There is always hope...

Fair warning - this will probably be a long post.

For some reason certain arbitrary passages of time seem to resonate with us. The span of one year fits in to this category. We recognize "anniversaries" in marriage, in the workplace, etc. Other events can be viewed from this perspective as well.

So much has happened during the past year. A year ago, to the day, a shell of my being was in so much pain that I made an attempt on my life. I struggled for so long I felt I couldn't endure any more pain. Leading up to that point so much energy was expended to maintain a facade that everything was ok. I needed to reach out but found myself withdrawing more and more as time passed.

There was a part of me that swore I would never attempt suicide. I spent most of my life dealing with the aftermath of my Dad taking his life. Unfortunately, the more I struggled, the harder it became to approach things rationally.

No part of me condones suicide. The following will contain reflections of that morning. I am not saying what I experienced that morning was right, wrong or otherwise. I am simply trying to describe aspects of the darkest day of my life.

I struggled with suicidal ideation throughout last summer. Until that day, no actions had been taken. The attempt wasn't something that was planned. Early that morning I probably couldn't have predicted what would transpire that day.

There were extended struggles leading up to that day. It would take too long to explain those, in detail, in a post like this. Around mid-morning I began spiraling downward. I was consumed by despair and was not able to deal with the intense emotions I was experiencing. At some point I gave in and lost the will to live.

There were numerous times I could have called for help or stepped back from the situation. I found that I wasn't able to though. I remember my actions were very deliberate that morning. I gathered a few prescription bottles and a large bottle of ibuprofen. I set all of the bottles out and took the caps off and just stared into the containers. A few minutes passed before I began taking more pills than I could count. I also remember writing a note to my wife.

A strange feeling set in. Once the decision was made I felt at peace. I am not sure how to describe it. I felt as if I was in the eye of a hurricane that had battered me throughout my life. I remember taking at least two handfuls of pills. After that I leaned back in my recliner and covered up with a blanket and just closed my eyes. I didn't expect to ever open my eyes again.

From that point, a period of sixteen hours passed before I could remember anything. I learned, after the fact, that I called my wife after taking the pills. I don't have any re-collection of ever doing that. There is so much more that could be said about what happened that day and shortly after. I am going to move forward though.

It was a challenge to learn how to live again. My family and friends are the reason I was able to make it back. Their support through everything meant the world to me. There were also some special people, from both my inpatient stay and outpatient program I attended, that had a great impact on me. I know how difficult it was to return to a life I once wanted to escape. I have the deepest respect for other survivors that have made the same transition.

One thing I am learning to truly accept is that life is not perfect and never will be. The same can be said about me as a person. In the past I might have viewed personal flaws or weaknesses in a negative light. We are all a blend of strengths and weaknesses. These are the things that make us who we are. An analogy came to mind - at first glance, one may think a steak is of poor quality due to marbling of fat in the cut of meat. Once the steak has been prepared we realize the perceived imperfection (fat) actually adds flavor to the steak.

For anyone that is struggling, please reach out before things progress too far. There are countless resources available to assist with the challenges of life. For those that count me as a friend, please consider me as one of your resources.

We also need to reach out to those in our lives that may be struggling. Depressed individuals tend to isolate themselves from those that matter most. It may be necessary to draw the individual out.

I realize I have been given a second chance. I feel compelled to share what I have gone through in case any part of my story can help someone else.

Please remember - there is always hope. It is up to each of us to believe in that hope even when we are facing the most difficult challenges in our lives.

Who we were...who we are...who we will become

First, this is dedicated to Painesville Riverside's Class of 1989. Last weekend reminded me how special all of you are. I wish nothing but the best to all of you. I look forward to when we can all do this again!

I don't really know what direction this is going to take. I guess that could be said of anything in life. The context of this post involves my reflecting on the past. The catalyst for many of these thoughts was our 20th High School Class Reunion which took place last weekend. The months leading up to the Reunion, and the Reunion itself, were full of enlightening moments about myself and those I have had the pleasure of knowing over the years.

One of the first things that came to mind was the quality of the individuals I got to know in junior and senior high. For lack of a better way to describe this - there was an abundance of "good" people in our class. Over time I have been able to appreciate this fact even more.

We had a decent sized class of around 300 people. During our years in school, that was our world. It did not seem like we would ever be exposed to a larger community than that. Until that point in our lives, we were all part of each other's "story." That changed after graduation [cue Don Henley's End of the Innocence.] Some of us went to college right after high school, others took a slightly different route before going to college, some started families, some joined a branch of the Armed Forces, etc. Each of our paths lead to the creation of our own unique story.

As each year passed, we started to lose contact with one another. Some of us remained in contact with certain classmates longer than we did with others. Our focus turned towards our lives, our families and our futures. Even though we may have lost contact with one another, it didn't mean we cared any less about each other or didn't still have an impact on one another. There were countless times through the years where I would think about this classmate or that classmate. I would wonder how they were doing, what they were up to and hope that life was treating them well. Occasionally, we would get a chance to re-connect with classmates here and there. It was always such a great thing to hear how someone's story was evolving.

A couple of years ago, I tried to look up a classmate of ours on the 'Net. I thought I might be able to find an e-mail address to send this person a message. Instead of finding contact information, I found an obituary for someone that shared the same name I was searching for. I read the obituary over and realized this wasn't a person sharing the same name as our classmate but was our classmate. I knew the names of Derek's family and was in disbelief once I saw the names of his parents.

Once we started to re-connect for the Reunion, we realized we had lost a number of classmates over the past several years. In my opinion, our Reunion Planning Committee did their memories justice. The moment of silence for each of our classmates was profound. The murmurs of discussions that were heard during other announcements were no longer audible. The slides for each classmate were simple in design. Each slide consisted of a classmate's name and a picture from when they walked the halls of Riverside. This was a time where less was definitely more.

I remember poking around on Facebook last Fall and finding the Class Reunion group. There were only a handful of classmates in the group at that time. It was so nice to touch base with those that were there. By the time of our Reunion, the group had grown to almost 100 classmates. The group helped serve as an ice-breaker well before the actual Reunion took place.

I enjoyed exchanging messages with classmates I already knew. I also felt blessed to get an opportunity to get to know other classmates. By the end of some of the exchanges, promises of hugs (at the Reunion) were made to one another. As far as I know, I kept up my end of things in those scenarios.

I never expected the turnout we had at the mixer at Capp's on Friday night. If ever I experienced sensory overload, it was that night and Saturday night. There were so many people I wanted to talk to yet so little time. There were classmates I wanted to talk to Friday night but never got around to it. I talked to many of them on Saturday instead.

To me, Saturday was like Reunion 2.0. There were many classmates in attendance Saturday night that were not at Capp's on Friday. It was so special getting to hang out with so many of our classmates. Digital cameras have allowed all us to share in different perspectives of the events that weekend. Ten years ago it wouldn't have been as easy to pull that off.

Getting to hang out with Roberto and his wife that weekend was special to me on several levels. Roberto lived with my family for about six months our Senior year. If that wasn't enough, we both went to Edinboro University for almost four more years. It was great to meet his wife and re-connect with him.

I've rambled long enough. If I had to summarize my feelings about the Reunion, it would be something along these lines:

I appreciated the classmates who were there, missed the classmates that weren't able to attend and felt sorrow for our classmates who are no longer with us.

Thanks again to the Reunion Planning Committee for making the Reunion weekend possible.

20 Year High School Reunion - captured in a poem

This past weekend I attended my 20 year high school reunion. It was a great experience. I may try to post about it another time.

Last month, a classmate of mine wrote a poem about our upcoming reunion. I asked her if I could share it in a blog post. She was ok with me doing so.

I thought she did a great job of capturing the sentiments many of us felt leading up to our reunion. Here was what she wrote:

We were all in different places
All at the same time
Though pursuing various outcomes
We all had one in mind
Never realized 'til we were older
How similar we all were
Growing up in different phases
s o m e s l o w e r
---some a blur---
"Halls of Ivy", parties, classes left and right
Crossing paths, exchanging glances
Forming friendships- sometimes fights
We grew together...
We grew apart...
In many ways each of us affected many hearts
Sadly, we have lost some classmates along the way
So we'll bring memories of them with us on Reunion Day
For those of us still on this earth -
People are anxiously waiting to see you
And know you're doing fine
After all, it is EACH ONE that makes up the whole
CLASS OF '89

C.J.N.

Thanks again for sharing this with all of us Callico.

Glimmering Stars

I have never considered myself to be much of a writer. After recent events in my life though, I felt compelled to put some of my feelings into words.

This piece is dedicated to three very special people I met while in the inpatient ward at a hospital in the region. They helped me get through some of the darkest days (after my suicide attempt) of my life.

If any part of this helps someone out there, it will have made sharing it worthwhile.

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Glimmering Stars in the Darkness of Night

Four strangers have found themselves enveloped in the pitch-black blanket of hopelessness and despair. It no longer seemed possible for light to penetrate this mantle void of anything but negativity. We all wonder…How did it ever come to this? What happened to the smiles and laughter we used to enjoy? Is this silhouette of our former selves the best we can hope for?

Though it may have happened at slightly different times, we all approached the edge of a precipice for a bottomless abyss. All of our lives, we had a safety net that would catch us if we got too close to the edge. Although our paths were different, we all arrived at the same decision. We decided that our only option was to plunge into the unknown depths…we wanted our intolerable pain to end once and for all.

Failure has always carried negative consequences for us. By twists of fate (or by destiny), a shared failure allowed us all to return to what was once the world we wanted to escape. Are we supposed to be back here? What do we do now?

We have all fought to be alive today. Our journeys have now taken us to a place that is abstract and incomprehensible. Two of us have been here before. Neither of us dreamed we would enter those white double doors again. As each of us entered this place, a sense of “What the hell are we doing here?” swept over us. How will I get help here? Who are these people?

We were all shrouded in the residual despair from what we have experienced. As we sat down in the Main Room for the first time, we spent time looking at our feet and huddling our arms and legs close to our bodies. We all felt broken.

I remember meeting the owner of a local art gallery for the first time. He was recently forced to make a difficult career decision while in this place. Another memory exists of seeing a young soccer player (from a small college in the region) for the first time. Her feet nervously tapped on the floor. Other images of a driven Pharmacy student, huddled in a chair, came to mind as well. She is shaking from a combination of the cool temperature in the room and the difficulties she has been facing. I don’t yet know who these people are. What in the world could have driven them to this place?

Over time, we drew together as a group. The looks of depression, anxiety and despair were slowly replaced by grins. Next, white teeth could be seen in smiles. At times, laughter would displace conversation. How is this possible? We are all still hurting so much.

We quickly realize we have shared experiences. All of us start to let our guards down. A shared empathy exists between all of us. Amidst the laughter, we share and listen to one another. As each of them share pieces of their journey, my heart goes out to them. I wish I could have taken their pain away.

As we gather time after time, I realize what a blessing each of these people is. I shudder to think our table of four could have been surrounded by empty chairs instead of the people that are seated in them. Some larger plan has brought us together. The fabric of our lives has been altered by one another.

We are starting to move forward with our lives. One of us will be starting a new chapter in his life tomorrow. The rest of us will follow him soon.

We all have obstacles to conquer. It may not be easy at times. It is my hope that these three kindred spirits know that I will always be pulling for them.

The dark skies now contain points of light that are burning brightly. Some of these are family members and some are friends. There are also important resources that now shine where only darkness existed.

Tears have fallen, at times, as this has been written. So many tears have fallen lately. These tears are different though. Thankfulness drives these tears. Three new glimmering stars have appeared, along with the other points of light, where only darkness could be seen before.

C.M.