[written in September 2011]
It is my hope that anyone that counts me as a friend will take a few moments to read this...
September is National Suicide Prevention Awareness month. I do my best to refrain from "soap box speeches." Some topics are too damn important though.
There are a couple statements I can make. I offer absolutely no qualifications or disclaimers when I state these things:
+ EVERY person reading this note can potentially save the life of a loved one. Life-saving is not limited to military, police, fire or medical vocations.
+ EVERY person reading this note has been touched by suicide. Sadly, many reading this have lost multiple family members and/or friends to suicide.
Some of the most intelligent people I know struggle with one mental illness or another - bipolar, moderate to severe depression, mood or personality disorders, etc. A strong mind can be a dual-edged sword. A strong mind can help us achieve great things in life. The same mind can be equally effective at destroying a person from within though.
A harsh reality still exists in our society - a stigma towards those with mental illness. Some of the common sentiments one might hear are:
+ "That person is weak-minded"
+ "So and so needs to just suck it up...get over it"
+ "That person looks fine on the outside..he/she must be doing ok"
The diseases that drive one to attempt suicide are physical. These physical ailments can be amplified by external events. These are facts...not conjecture. There are various regimens one needs to maintain to re-gain control of his/her life - counseling, possible medication, support from loved ones, etc.
Everyone would agree that diabetes is another physical ailment. It also requires a person to do certain things to maintain control of his/her ailment. I wonder how often people approach diabetics and tell them to "just suck it up???"
I thought a recent movie "The Beaver" did an excellent job of portraying the struggles of a man with severe mental illness. It depicts the lengths to which a person was willing to "take things" because of his struggles. I strongly recommend this movie to anyone interested in gaining additional insight into mental illness. Additionally, "A Beautiful Mind" did a wonderful job of depicting a person with paranoid schizophrenia.
Another important message from the movie dealt with the impact of mental illness. Mental illness affects a person's entire social "world" - family, friends, etc. The person is not isolated on an "island." The impact is felt by all and not just the person with mental illness.
The most important thing I want to say is love your loved ones. If you notice someone withdrawing, reach out to them. Let that person know you are there for them. Do not try to "fix" that person or solve all of his/her problems; instead, LISTEN and do your best to empathize with what your loved one is feeling. The other things can be dealt with over time.
Showing posts with label suicide. Show all posts
Showing posts with label suicide. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
There is always hope...
Fair warning - this will probably be a long post.
For some reason certain arbitrary passages of time seem to resonate with us. The span of one year fits in to this category. We recognize "anniversaries" in marriage, in the workplace, etc. Other events can be viewed from this perspective as well.
So much has happened during the past year. A year ago, to the day, a shell of my being was in so much pain that I made an attempt on my life. I struggled for so long I felt I couldn't endure any more pain. Leading up to that point so much energy was expended to maintain a facade that everything was ok. I needed to reach out but found myself withdrawing more and more as time passed.
There was a part of me that swore I would never attempt suicide. I spent most of my life dealing with the aftermath of my Dad taking his life. Unfortunately, the more I struggled, the harder it became to approach things rationally.
No part of me condones suicide. The following will contain reflections of that morning. I am not saying what I experienced that morning was right, wrong or otherwise. I am simply trying to describe aspects of the darkest day of my life.
I struggled with suicidal ideation throughout last summer. Until that day, no actions had been taken. The attempt wasn't something that was planned. Early that morning I probably couldn't have predicted what would transpire that day.
There were extended struggles leading up to that day. It would take too long to explain those, in detail, in a post like this. Around mid-morning I began spiraling downward. I was consumed by despair and was not able to deal with the intense emotions I was experiencing. At some point I gave in and lost the will to live.
There were numerous times I could have called for help or stepped back from the situation. I found that I wasn't able to though. I remember my actions were very deliberate that morning. I gathered a few prescription bottles and a large bottle of ibuprofen. I set all of the bottles out and took the caps off and just stared into the containers. A few minutes passed before I began taking more pills than I could count. I also remember writing a note to my wife.
A strange feeling set in. Once the decision was made I felt at peace. I am not sure how to describe it. I felt as if I was in the eye of a hurricane that had battered me throughout my life. I remember taking at least two handfuls of pills. After that I leaned back in my recliner and covered up with a blanket and just closed my eyes. I didn't expect to ever open my eyes again.
From that point, a period of sixteen hours passed before I could remember anything. I learned, after the fact, that I called my wife after taking the pills. I don't have any re-collection of ever doing that. There is so much more that could be said about what happened that day and shortly after. I am going to move forward though.
It was a challenge to learn how to live again. My family and friends are the reason I was able to make it back. Their support through everything meant the world to me. There were also some special people, from both my inpatient stay and outpatient program I attended, that had a great impact on me. I know how difficult it was to return to a life I once wanted to escape. I have the deepest respect for other survivors that have made the same transition.
One thing I am learning to truly accept is that life is not perfect and never will be. The same can be said about me as a person. In the past I might have viewed personal flaws or weaknesses in a negative light. We are all a blend of strengths and weaknesses. These are the things that make us who we are. An analogy came to mind - at first glance, one may think a steak is of poor quality due to marbling of fat in the cut of meat. Once the steak has been prepared we realize the perceived imperfection (fat) actually adds flavor to the steak.
For anyone that is struggling, please reach out before things progress too far. There are countless resources available to assist with the challenges of life. For those that count me as a friend, please consider me as one of your resources.
We also need to reach out to those in our lives that may be struggling. Depressed individuals tend to isolate themselves from those that matter most. It may be necessary to draw the individual out.
I realize I have been given a second chance. I feel compelled to share what I have gone through in case any part of my story can help someone else.
Please remember - there is always hope. It is up to each of us to believe in that hope even when we are facing the most difficult challenges in our lives.
For some reason certain arbitrary passages of time seem to resonate with us. The span of one year fits in to this category. We recognize "anniversaries" in marriage, in the workplace, etc. Other events can be viewed from this perspective as well.
So much has happened during the past year. A year ago, to the day, a shell of my being was in so much pain that I made an attempt on my life. I struggled for so long I felt I couldn't endure any more pain. Leading up to that point so much energy was expended to maintain a facade that everything was ok. I needed to reach out but found myself withdrawing more and more as time passed.
There was a part of me that swore I would never attempt suicide. I spent most of my life dealing with the aftermath of my Dad taking his life. Unfortunately, the more I struggled, the harder it became to approach things rationally.
No part of me condones suicide. The following will contain reflections of that morning. I am not saying what I experienced that morning was right, wrong or otherwise. I am simply trying to describe aspects of the darkest day of my life.
I struggled with suicidal ideation throughout last summer. Until that day, no actions had been taken. The attempt wasn't something that was planned. Early that morning I probably couldn't have predicted what would transpire that day.
There were extended struggles leading up to that day. It would take too long to explain those, in detail, in a post like this. Around mid-morning I began spiraling downward. I was consumed by despair and was not able to deal with the intense emotions I was experiencing. At some point I gave in and lost the will to live.
There were numerous times I could have called for help or stepped back from the situation. I found that I wasn't able to though. I remember my actions were very deliberate that morning. I gathered a few prescription bottles and a large bottle of ibuprofen. I set all of the bottles out and took the caps off and just stared into the containers. A few minutes passed before I began taking more pills than I could count. I also remember writing a note to my wife.
A strange feeling set in. Once the decision was made I felt at peace. I am not sure how to describe it. I felt as if I was in the eye of a hurricane that had battered me throughout my life. I remember taking at least two handfuls of pills. After that I leaned back in my recliner and covered up with a blanket and just closed my eyes. I didn't expect to ever open my eyes again.
From that point, a period of sixteen hours passed before I could remember anything. I learned, after the fact, that I called my wife after taking the pills. I don't have any re-collection of ever doing that. There is so much more that could be said about what happened that day and shortly after. I am going to move forward though.
It was a challenge to learn how to live again. My family and friends are the reason I was able to make it back. Their support through everything meant the world to me. There were also some special people, from both my inpatient stay and outpatient program I attended, that had a great impact on me. I know how difficult it was to return to a life I once wanted to escape. I have the deepest respect for other survivors that have made the same transition.
One thing I am learning to truly accept is that life is not perfect and never will be. The same can be said about me as a person. In the past I might have viewed personal flaws or weaknesses in a negative light. We are all a blend of strengths and weaknesses. These are the things that make us who we are. An analogy came to mind - at first glance, one may think a steak is of poor quality due to marbling of fat in the cut of meat. Once the steak has been prepared we realize the perceived imperfection (fat) actually adds flavor to the steak.
For anyone that is struggling, please reach out before things progress too far. There are countless resources available to assist with the challenges of life. For those that count me as a friend, please consider me as one of your resources.
We also need to reach out to those in our lives that may be struggling. Depressed individuals tend to isolate themselves from those that matter most. It may be necessary to draw the individual out.
I realize I have been given a second chance. I feel compelled to share what I have gone through in case any part of my story can help someone else.
Please remember - there is always hope. It is up to each of us to believe in that hope even when we are facing the most difficult challenges in our lives.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Glimmering Stars
I have never considered myself to be much of a writer. After recent events in my life though, I felt compelled to put some of my feelings into words.
This piece is dedicated to three very special people I met while in the inpatient ward at a hospital in the region. They helped me get through some of the darkest days (after my suicide attempt) of my life.
If any part of this helps someone out there, it will have made sharing it worthwhile.
==============================================
This piece is dedicated to three very special people I met while in the inpatient ward at a hospital in the region. They helped me get through some of the darkest days (after my suicide attempt) of my life.
If any part of this helps someone out there, it will have made sharing it worthwhile.
==============================================
Glimmering Stars in the Darkness of Night
Four strangers have found themselves enveloped in the pitch-black blanket of hopelessness and despair. It no longer seemed possible for light to penetrate this mantle void of anything but negativity. We all wonder…How did it ever come to this? What happened to the smiles and laughter we used to enjoy? Is this silhouette of our former selves the best we can hope for?
Though it may have happened at slightly different times, we all approached the edge of a precipice for a bottomless abyss. All of our lives, we had a safety net that would catch us if we got too close to the edge. Although our paths were different, we all arrived at the same decision. We decided that our only option was to plunge into the unknown depths…we wanted our intolerable pain to end once and for all.
Failure has always carried negative consequences for us. By twists of fate (or by destiny), a shared failure allowed us all to return to what was once the world we wanted to escape. Are we supposed to be back here? What do we do now?
We have all fought to be alive today. Our journeys have now taken us to a place that is abstract and incomprehensible. Two of us have been here before. Neither of us dreamed we would enter those white double doors again. As each of us entered this place, a sense of “What the hell are we doing here?” swept over us. How will I get help here? Who are these people?
We were all shrouded in the residual despair from what we have experienced. As we sat down in the Main Room for the first time, we spent time looking at our feet and huddling our arms and legs close to our bodies. We all felt broken.
I remember meeting the owner of a local art gallery for the first time. He was recently forced to make a difficult career decision while in this place. Another memory exists of seeing a young soccer player (from a small college in the region) for the first time. Her feet nervously tapped on the floor. Other images of a driven Pharmacy student, huddled in a chair, came to mind as well. She is shaking from a combination of the cool temperature in the room and the difficulties she has been facing. I don’t yet know who these people are. What in the world could have driven them to this place?
Over time, we drew together as a group. The looks of depression, anxiety and despair were slowly replaced by grins. Next, white teeth could be seen in smiles. At times, laughter would displace conversation. How is this possible? We are all still hurting so much.
We quickly realize we have shared experiences. All of us start to let our guards down. A shared empathy exists between all of us. Amidst the laughter, we share and listen to one another. As each of them share pieces of their journey, my heart goes out to them. I wish I could have taken their pain away.
As we gather time after time, I realize what a blessing each of these people is. I shudder to think our table of four could have been surrounded by empty chairs instead of the people that are seated in them. Some larger plan has brought us together. The fabric of our lives has been altered by one another.
We are starting to move forward with our lives. One of us will be starting a new chapter in his life tomorrow. The rest of us will follow him soon.
We all have obstacles to conquer. It may not be easy at times. It is my hope that these three kindred spirits know that I will always be pulling for them.
The dark skies now contain points of light that are burning brightly. Some of these are family members and some are friends. There are also important resources that now shine where only darkness existed.
Tears have fallen, at times, as this has been written. So many tears have fallen lately. These tears are different though. Thankfulness drives these tears. Three new glimmering stars have appeared, along with the other points of light, where only darkness could be seen before.
C.M.
Four strangers have found themselves enveloped in the pitch-black blanket of hopelessness and despair. It no longer seemed possible for light to penetrate this mantle void of anything but negativity. We all wonder…How did it ever come to this? What happened to the smiles and laughter we used to enjoy? Is this silhouette of our former selves the best we can hope for?
Though it may have happened at slightly different times, we all approached the edge of a precipice for a bottomless abyss. All of our lives, we had a safety net that would catch us if we got too close to the edge. Although our paths were different, we all arrived at the same decision. We decided that our only option was to plunge into the unknown depths…we wanted our intolerable pain to end once and for all.
Failure has always carried negative consequences for us. By twists of fate (or by destiny), a shared failure allowed us all to return to what was once the world we wanted to escape. Are we supposed to be back here? What do we do now?
We have all fought to be alive today. Our journeys have now taken us to a place that is abstract and incomprehensible. Two of us have been here before. Neither of us dreamed we would enter those white double doors again. As each of us entered this place, a sense of “What the hell are we doing here?” swept over us. How will I get help here? Who are these people?
We were all shrouded in the residual despair from what we have experienced. As we sat down in the Main Room for the first time, we spent time looking at our feet and huddling our arms and legs close to our bodies. We all felt broken.
I remember meeting the owner of a local art gallery for the first time. He was recently forced to make a difficult career decision while in this place. Another memory exists of seeing a young soccer player (from a small college in the region) for the first time. Her feet nervously tapped on the floor. Other images of a driven Pharmacy student, huddled in a chair, came to mind as well. She is shaking from a combination of the cool temperature in the room and the difficulties she has been facing. I don’t yet know who these people are. What in the world could have driven them to this place?
Over time, we drew together as a group. The looks of depression, anxiety and despair were slowly replaced by grins. Next, white teeth could be seen in smiles. At times, laughter would displace conversation. How is this possible? We are all still hurting so much.
We quickly realize we have shared experiences. All of us start to let our guards down. A shared empathy exists between all of us. Amidst the laughter, we share and listen to one another. As each of them share pieces of their journey, my heart goes out to them. I wish I could have taken their pain away.
As we gather time after time, I realize what a blessing each of these people is. I shudder to think our table of four could have been surrounded by empty chairs instead of the people that are seated in them. Some larger plan has brought us together. The fabric of our lives has been altered by one another.
We are starting to move forward with our lives. One of us will be starting a new chapter in his life tomorrow. The rest of us will follow him soon.
We all have obstacles to conquer. It may not be easy at times. It is my hope that these three kindred spirits know that I will always be pulling for them.
The dark skies now contain points of light that are burning brightly. Some of these are family members and some are friends. There are also important resources that now shine where only darkness existed.
Tears have fallen, at times, as this has been written. So many tears have fallen lately. These tears are different though. Thankfulness drives these tears. Three new glimmering stars have appeared, along with the other points of light, where only darkness could be seen before.
C.M.
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