Live Music - Reminds Us We Are Alive

[written in September 2011]

I have been to a couple concerts the past month or two. There would be stretches in my life where years would pass between going to hear live music. I need to make sure that does not happen again. Compared with most people, I have been to very few concerts. I believe I have had a chance to see some of the best entertainers to ever take the stage though.

Attending the shows recently reminded me how powerful live music can be. As I think back to the concerts I have attended, there is almost always a single moment/song that stands out for each concert attended. I am going to share some of those moments. These are not listed in any particular order -

+ Paul McCartney - Cleveland Municipal Stadium - Flowers in the Dirt Tour - First, I have never been involved with illicit drugs. The cloud of smoke hanging in the stadium was from "cigarette substitutes." I probably caught a secondary buzz...lol.

The signature moment for me was the entire stadium singing "Hey Jude." It still moves me to think about that.

+ Don Henley - Blossom Music Center - End of the Innocence Tour - The song that comes to mind is "New York Minute." The imagery and cold, bright light used during that song always stood out in my mind.

Another moment was the playing of "Hotel California."

+ Elton John/Billy Joel - Three Rivers Stadium - It was not a particular song for this concert. It was seeing those "piano men" facing one another, dueling on pianos.

+ Genesis - Ohio Stadium - We Can't Dance Tour - I really enjoyed this show. The imagery used for "Drive the Last Spike" always stuck with me though.

+ Foo Fighters - Quicken Loans Arena - Wasting Light Tour - I never had a chance to see Nirvana. It was nice to at least see a member of the group (Dave Grohl) perform with his post-Nirvana group. My favorite part of this show was Dave Grohl playing three songs solo on an acoustic guitar.

+ Sara Bareilles - Cleveland House of Blues - Kaleidoscope Heart Tour - I really enjoyed seeing Sara play to maybe several hundred people at The House of Blues. There really was not a particular moment from this show. I listened to Kaleidoscope Heart countless times during the past year. I identified with several of the songs from that album.

+ Shawn Mullins - LC Pavilion - Soul's Core Tour - Shawn actually opened for Hootie and the Blowfish. I enjoyed his act more than the main act. He plays folk-style ballads that kind of lull one into self-reflection.

The memorable song from his set was "Lullaby."

The Mother of All Storms

I am going to step away from the posting of day-to-day accounts from my recent trip to Oregon.

First, I realize some people may not understand what I am going to post. I am at peace with that. There are times in life where seemingly unorthodox things need to be done for one to move forward. I think this post will demonstrate it is possible to have a transcendental moment while sharing a beer with good friends.

Some background information is needed for context. Up until a couple years ago I had a passion for craft beer. I gave that up due to medication I am currently taking. The circumstances of my last beer were not positive. I had not discussed this with with many people but felt driven to perform a "do-over" of my last beer. I privately made a pact with myself that I would do this if I ever made it out to Pelican Brewpub again.


I did something similar to this with a couple friends at Great Lakes Brewing recently. I had a single snifter of Barrel-Aged Blackout Stout. It was important for me to have positive vibes related to my last beer(s.)

Back to Pelican Brewpub...there are several reasons I wanted to do this at Pelican:

+ The brewpub is literally located on the beach. The scenery is awesome.
+ I knew I would be with one of my best friends. As it turns out I was with two of my best friends.


+ Pelican brews some of the best beer I have ever had.
+ The food is also great!

I did not tell my brother or friend about this initially. I originally planned on ordering a Tsunami Stout. I noticed an advertisement on our table that promoted a vertical tasting of Pelican's Barleywine. I caught them off-guard when I ordered the vertical:

The six samples were about the equivalent of a pint. I sipped on these all evening. Four of the samples were four different "vintages" of Pelican's Barleywine. The last two I tried were Pelican's Barleywine aged in Bourbon barrels. They named their barrel-aged beer "Mother of All Storms."

My favorites were the 2005 Stormwatcher's Barleywine and the 2009 Mother of All Storms. They were all well-crafted beers though.

I didn't realize it at the time. Upon further reflection, I realize I had the perfect beer for my last beer - The Mother of All Storms. Thanks to my family and friends I have been able to weather "The Mother of All Storms" the past couple of years.

I will never forget that night. Thanks again to my brother for making it all possible.

There is always hope...

Fair warning - this will probably be a long post.

For some reason certain arbitrary passages of time seem to resonate with us. The span of one year fits in to this category. We recognize "anniversaries" in marriage, in the workplace, etc. Other events can be viewed from this perspective as well.

So much has happened during the past year. A year ago, to the day, a shell of my being was in so much pain that I made an attempt on my life. I struggled for so long I felt I couldn't endure any more pain. Leading up to that point so much energy was expended to maintain a facade that everything was ok. I needed to reach out but found myself withdrawing more and more as time passed.

There was a part of me that swore I would never attempt suicide. I spent most of my life dealing with the aftermath of my Dad taking his life. Unfortunately, the more I struggled, the harder it became to approach things rationally.

No part of me condones suicide. The following will contain reflections of that morning. I am not saying what I experienced that morning was right, wrong or otherwise. I am simply trying to describe aspects of the darkest day of my life.

I struggled with suicidal ideation throughout last summer. Until that day, no actions had been taken. The attempt wasn't something that was planned. Early that morning I probably couldn't have predicted what would transpire that day.

There were extended struggles leading up to that day. It would take too long to explain those, in detail, in a post like this. Around mid-morning I began spiraling downward. I was consumed by despair and was not able to deal with the intense emotions I was experiencing. At some point I gave in and lost the will to live.

There were numerous times I could have called for help or stepped back from the situation. I found that I wasn't able to though. I remember my actions were very deliberate that morning. I gathered a few prescription bottles and a large bottle of ibuprofen. I set all of the bottles out and took the caps off and just stared into the containers. A few minutes passed before I began taking more pills than I could count. I also remember writing a note to my wife.

A strange feeling set in. Once the decision was made I felt at peace. I am not sure how to describe it. I felt as if I was in the eye of a hurricane that had battered me throughout my life. I remember taking at least two handfuls of pills. After that I leaned back in my recliner and covered up with a blanket and just closed my eyes. I didn't expect to ever open my eyes again.

From that point, a period of sixteen hours passed before I could remember anything. I learned, after the fact, that I called my wife after taking the pills. I don't have any re-collection of ever doing that. There is so much more that could be said about what happened that day and shortly after. I am going to move forward though.

It was a challenge to learn how to live again. My family and friends are the reason I was able to make it back. Their support through everything meant the world to me. There were also some special people, from both my inpatient stay and outpatient program I attended, that had a great impact on me. I know how difficult it was to return to a life I once wanted to escape. I have the deepest respect for other survivors that have made the same transition.

One thing I am learning to truly accept is that life is not perfect and never will be. The same can be said about me as a person. In the past I might have viewed personal flaws or weaknesses in a negative light. We are all a blend of strengths and weaknesses. These are the things that make us who we are. An analogy came to mind - at first glance, one may think a steak is of poor quality due to marbling of fat in the cut of meat. Once the steak has been prepared we realize the perceived imperfection (fat) actually adds flavor to the steak.

For anyone that is struggling, please reach out before things progress too far. There are countless resources available to assist with the challenges of life. For those that count me as a friend, please consider me as one of your resources.

We also need to reach out to those in our lives that may be struggling. Depressed individuals tend to isolate themselves from those that matter most. It may be necessary to draw the individual out.

I realize I have been given a second chance. I feel compelled to share what I have gone through in case any part of my story can help someone else.

Please remember - there is always hope. It is up to each of us to believe in that hope even when we are facing the most difficult challenges in our lives.

Diagnosis Confusion

I had an appointment with my new psychiatrist this A.M. Things went pretty well.

One thing that has been confusing has been the discussion of what diagnosis (or diagnoses) I have. Each professional has settled on Major Depression (no stretch there.) Some professionals have considered Bipolar II. Today a new diagnosis hit the radar screen - ADD.

This was the first time ADD has been discussed with me. As I talked things over with the Doc. and my wife, several things he mentioned resonated with me. I am keeping an open mind related to this. At times, it can be a challenge to keep hearing different things from different people though.

As long as things continue to improve, I will be glad to do what I can to help in the process.

I will be starting on a couple new meds and backing off of two meds.

Things taken for granted?

One of my favorite groups is Toad the Wet Sprocket. One of their songs has been striking a chord with me lately - "I Will Not Take These Things for Granted."

It isn't that I necessarily felt I was taking everything granted. I may not have been fully appreciating things though. As for:

+ My Wife
+ My Family
+ My Friends
+ Our Dogs
+ My Feelings
+ The Beauty of Nature (especially Ducks and Giraffes)
+ My Health (other than recent issues)
+ Having Fun
+ My Favorite Sports Teams
+ Movies, Books and Music

I will not take these things for granted

====

One part of me just wants to tell you everything
One part just needs the quiet
And if I’m lonely here, I’m lonely here
And on the telephone
You offer reassurance

I will not take these things for granted

How can I hold the part of me that only you can carry
It needs a strength I haven’t found
But if its frightening, Ill bear the cold
And on the telephone
You offer warm asylum

I’m listening
Flowers in the garden
Laughter in the hall
Children in the park
I will not take these things for granted
Anymore

To crawl inside the wire and feel something near me
To feel this accepting
That it is lonely here, but not alone
And on the telephone
You offer visions dancing

I’m listening
Music in the bedroom
Laughter in the hall
Dive into the ocean
Singing by the fire
Running through the forest
And standing in the wind
In rolling canyons

I will not take these things for granted

Glimmering Stars

I have never considered myself to be much of a writer. After recent events in my life though, I felt compelled to put some of my feelings into words.

This piece is dedicated to three very special people I met while in the inpatient ward at a hospital in the region. They helped me get through some of the darkest days (after my suicide attempt) of my life.

If any part of this helps someone out there, it will have made sharing it worthwhile.

==============================================

Glimmering Stars in the Darkness of Night

Four strangers have found themselves enveloped in the pitch-black blanket of hopelessness and despair. It no longer seemed possible for light to penetrate this mantle void of anything but negativity. We all wonder…How did it ever come to this? What happened to the smiles and laughter we used to enjoy? Is this silhouette of our former selves the best we can hope for?

Though it may have happened at slightly different times, we all approached the edge of a precipice for a bottomless abyss. All of our lives, we had a safety net that would catch us if we got too close to the edge. Although our paths were different, we all arrived at the same decision. We decided that our only option was to plunge into the unknown depths…we wanted our intolerable pain to end once and for all.

Failure has always carried negative consequences for us. By twists of fate (or by destiny), a shared failure allowed us all to return to what was once the world we wanted to escape. Are we supposed to be back here? What do we do now?

We have all fought to be alive today. Our journeys have now taken us to a place that is abstract and incomprehensible. Two of us have been here before. Neither of us dreamed we would enter those white double doors again. As each of us entered this place, a sense of “What the hell are we doing here?” swept over us. How will I get help here? Who are these people?

We were all shrouded in the residual despair from what we have experienced. As we sat down in the Main Room for the first time, we spent time looking at our feet and huddling our arms and legs close to our bodies. We all felt broken.

I remember meeting the owner of a local art gallery for the first time. He was recently forced to make a difficult career decision while in this place. Another memory exists of seeing a young soccer player (from a small college in the region) for the first time. Her feet nervously tapped on the floor. Other images of a driven Pharmacy student, huddled in a chair, came to mind as well. She is shaking from a combination of the cool temperature in the room and the difficulties she has been facing. I don’t yet know who these people are. What in the world could have driven them to this place?

Over time, we drew together as a group. The looks of depression, anxiety and despair were slowly replaced by grins. Next, white teeth could be seen in smiles. At times, laughter would displace conversation. How is this possible? We are all still hurting so much.

We quickly realize we have shared experiences. All of us start to let our guards down. A shared empathy exists between all of us. Amidst the laughter, we share and listen to one another. As each of them share pieces of their journey, my heart goes out to them. I wish I could have taken their pain away.

As we gather time after time, I realize what a blessing each of these people is. I shudder to think our table of four could have been surrounded by empty chairs instead of the people that are seated in them. Some larger plan has brought us together. The fabric of our lives has been altered by one another.

We are starting to move forward with our lives. One of us will be starting a new chapter in his life tomorrow. The rest of us will follow him soon.

We all have obstacles to conquer. It may not be easy at times. It is my hope that these three kindred spirits know that I will always be pulling for them.

The dark skies now contain points of light that are burning brightly. Some of these are family members and some are friends. There are also important resources that now shine where only darkness existed.

Tears have fallen, at times, as this has been written. So many tears have fallen lately. These tears are different though. Thankfulness drives these tears. Three new glimmering stars have appeared, along with the other points of light, where only darkness could be seen before.

C.M.