Living Our Lives....With a Sense of Urgency

A response from a friend triggered some of what I am going to share. I believe we can all identify with the scenario I describe below.

An old friend of mine and I have said we would like to get together some time. We would both like to get a cup of coffee and catch up a bit. A challenge friends some times face is transitioning intent into action. In this example, the challenge we face is to make this meeting actually happen. There are times in life it becomes easy to let good intentions remain just that...good intentions. There is nothing wrong with that. Our lives are fuller when good intentions are fully realized though. As I told this friend earlier, we will make this meeting happen.

Other recent events shaped this piece as well. The Chardon High School shootings have affected entire communities directly and indirectly. In my small corner of the world, I know two sets of parents that had children in school that morning. I cannot begin to understand what each of these friends, and their families, went through that morning...or what they continue to go through. It warms my heart to see how Chardon, and surrounding communities, have rallied to help one another begin the healing process.

Another recent event hit "close to home" quite literally. It was revealed that a very troubled man lived in our condo complex. This man took the life of another before taking his own life. If we stepped outside of the garage we could look at this man's condo. The community mailbox was just a matter of feet from the windows of this man's home. For a day or two it was a challenge to feel safe...even while at home.

Events like these lead me to be quite reflective of late. I find that I ask myself the following questions on a regular basis:

+ Am I making a difference in "my world" and in the lives of those around me?
+ Am I living life with an appropriate sense of urgency?

The answers to these questions are important. I believe these questions are never going to have concrete answers though. I believe re-visiting these question frequently can be just as important as the answers themselves.

There are days I "measure up" so-to-speak. There are other days I may fall short. I do my best to "act" according to where I am with things at that given point in time.

To close, the most important thought darting through my mind is this - none of us is promised tomorrow. Are we truly living our lives with that thought in mind? Are we placing an appropriate sense of urgency in how we live our lives...in how we love those around us? Are we truly grateful for the blessings in our lives? These are not easy questions. I believe a great deal of insight can be gained by reflecting on the answers though.

Suicide Prevention Awareness Month

[written in September 2011]

It is my hope that anyone that counts me as a friend will take a few moments to read this...

September is National Suicide Prevention Awareness month. I do my best to refrain from "soap box speeches." Some topics are too damn important though.

There are a couple statements I can make. I offer absolutely no qualifications or disclaimers when I state these things:

+ EVERY person reading this note can potentially save the life of a loved one. Life-saving is not limited to military, police, fire or medical vocations.

+ EVERY person reading this note has been touched by suicide. Sadly, many reading this have lost multiple family members and/or friends to suicide.

Some of the most intelligent people I know struggle with one mental illness or another - bipolar, moderate to severe depression, mood or personality disorders, etc. A strong mind can be a dual-edged sword. A strong mind can help us achieve great things in life. The same mind can be equally effective at destroying a person from within though.

A harsh reality still exists in our society - a stigma towards those with mental illness. Some of the common sentiments one might hear are:

+ "That person is weak-minded"
+ "So and so needs to just suck it up...get over it"
+ "That person looks fine on the outside..he/she must be doing ok"

The diseases that drive one to attempt suicide are physical. These physical ailments can be amplified by external events. These are facts...not conjecture. There are various regimens one needs to maintain to re-gain control of his/her life - counseling, possible medication, support from loved ones, etc.

Everyone would agree that diabetes is another physical ailment. It also requires a person to do certain things to maintain control of his/her ailment. I wonder how often people approach diabetics and tell them to "just suck it up???"

I thought a recent movie "The Beaver" did an excellent job of portraying the struggles of a man with severe mental illness. It depicts the lengths to which a person was willing to "take things" because of his struggles. I strongly recommend this movie to anyone interested in gaining additional insight into mental illness. Additionally, "A Beautiful Mind" did a wonderful job of depicting a person with paranoid schizophrenia.

Another important message from the movie dealt with the impact of mental illness. Mental illness affects a person's entire social "world" - family, friends, etc. The person is not isolated on an "island." The impact is felt by all and not just the person with mental illness.

The most important thing I want to say is love your loved ones. If you notice someone withdrawing, reach out to them. Let that person know you are there for them. Do not try to "fix" that person or solve all of his/her problems; instead, LISTEN and do your best to empathize with what your loved one is feeling. The other things can be dealt with over time.

Live Music - Reminds Us We Are Alive

[written in September 2011]

I have been to a couple concerts the past month or two. There would be stretches in my life where years would pass between going to hear live music. I need to make sure that does not happen again. Compared with most people, I have been to very few concerts. I believe I have had a chance to see some of the best entertainers to ever take the stage though.

Attending the shows recently reminded me how powerful live music can be. As I think back to the concerts I have attended, there is almost always a single moment/song that stands out for each concert attended. I am going to share some of those moments. These are not listed in any particular order -

+ Paul McCartney - Cleveland Municipal Stadium - Flowers in the Dirt Tour - First, I have never been involved with illicit drugs. The cloud of smoke hanging in the stadium was from "cigarette substitutes." I probably caught a secondary buzz...lol.

The signature moment for me was the entire stadium singing "Hey Jude." It still moves me to think about that.

+ Don Henley - Blossom Music Center - End of the Innocence Tour - The song that comes to mind is "New York Minute." The imagery and cold, bright light used during that song always stood out in my mind.

Another moment was the playing of "Hotel California."

+ Elton John/Billy Joel - Three Rivers Stadium - It was not a particular song for this concert. It was seeing those "piano men" facing one another, dueling on pianos.

+ Genesis - Ohio Stadium - We Can't Dance Tour - I really enjoyed this show. The imagery used for "Drive the Last Spike" always stuck with me though.

+ Foo Fighters - Quicken Loans Arena - Wasting Light Tour - I never had a chance to see Nirvana. It was nice to at least see a member of the group (Dave Grohl) perform with his post-Nirvana group. My favorite part of this show was Dave Grohl playing three songs solo on an acoustic guitar.

+ Sara Bareilles - Cleveland House of Blues - Kaleidoscope Heart Tour - I really enjoyed seeing Sara play to maybe several hundred people at The House of Blues. There really was not a particular moment from this show. I listened to Kaleidoscope Heart countless times during the past year. I identified with several of the songs from that album.

+ Shawn Mullins - LC Pavilion - Soul's Core Tour - Shawn actually opened for Hootie and the Blowfish. I enjoyed his act more than the main act. He plays folk-style ballads that kind of lull one into self-reflection.

The memorable song from his set was "Lullaby."

Everything I Needed to Learn About Life...

...I learned from the Tour de Donut (or any "distance" bike ride)

First, many of my biking pictures have me wearing the same looking orange mesh shirt. This is not my lucky shirt or anything. I have three of these shirts. They were left over from a recent golf outing.

A number of things came to mind during my ride. While these things related to today's race, they can also relate to life. One of the things I thought about were goals. I initially thought it would be interesting to try and eat a dozen donuts (total) during the ride. I realized this was not realistic after eating my first donut. I adjusted my goal to four donuts. I ended up eating three.

Goals, in life, are important. We should "shoot for the stars." We need to accept we may need to adjust our goals to something more "attainable" though. It is great to hold ourselves to high standards. We should not label unsuccessful attempts as failures. Instead these attempts should be viewed as learning experiences.

Another thing I thought about dealt with pacing myself during the ride. The bike ride was a race. I simply wanted to focus on doing my best though. I did not pay attention to how many riders passed me or how many people I passed. That is not where my focus was. I focused on finding a pedaling rhythm that felt comfortable. I was alone for much of the ride. In some ways that was very peaceful...almost transcendental.

I believe in the same approach to life. It is important for each person to find his/her own unique rhythm. In essence, we need to "march to our own drummer." It is easy to focus on what others are doing or on what others think we should or should not do. Placing too much emphasis on these things can cause us to lose track of who we are as individuals though.

Another thing was striking about the race. Many age ranges, body types and ethnicities were represented. There were competitive riders, novice riders and everything in-between. Some of the bikes may have only cost $100.00; I am sure
there were numerous bikes that cost $5,000+. We all completed the same course though. In that respect, anyone that completed the course was an equal.

The Long and Winding Road

This piece is inspired by my recent trip to Tennessee. The proper mood has been set as I start writing this. I am drinking coffee from a Great Smoky Mountains Railroad mug. The coffee is flavored with Blackberry/Ginger sugar crystals purchased in Kentucky.

Different aspects of my trip to Tennessee reminded me of the path my life has taken since last Fall. In some instances, there are parallels. In other respects, there are differences between the two.

My journey began on a cool, gray morning. There was a slight drizzle in NE Ohio. As I traveled south, the sky started to brighten. The clouds were no longer gray. Eventually, blue skies appeared. White, billowy clouds dotted the sky. The temperature improved more than 30 degrees during the course of my trip.

The transition of weather during my trip reminded me of the past several months of my life. I gave up my former life for a chance at a more fulfilling life. Thunder, lightning and basketball-sized hail aptly describe the "weather" I faced initially. Over time, the clouds have been lifting. The hail has subsided. There is still rain at times. Rays of sunshine peaking through the clouds produce occasional rainbows. I know things will continue to head in a positive direction.

I am grateful for the chance I had to spend an extended period of time in Tennessee with my brother. I am also grateful for his hospitality. I thought of this time as a "personal sabbatical." I did not know what I expected from my time away. I think that revealed itself over time. I felt my soul had a chance to "breathe." I am not sure how else to describe it. I spent quality time with my brother, tried new things (I already wrote a short piece about "firsts") and enjoyed whatever direction we took in terms of exploring the area.

I am working to maintain the same outlook in my life. I do not know what the future holds for me. I look forward to finding out though. I remind myself that the journey is every bit as important as the destination. The little things in life have always held special meaning for me. That has been even more pronounced the past several months. I cannot adequately describe how much seeing mountain waterfalls, running the "Tail of the Dragon", enjoying the vistas from the mountains, etc. has meant to me.

Another thing struck me as I made my journey to Tennessee. I passed within a couple hundred yards of where my brother used to live and only a matter of miles from our condominium. The Columbus area was home to both of us for some time. For years, Central Ohio has been a "focal point" of sorts for our family. Mark and I both still have good friends in the Columbus area. The city is no longer a focus of our family though. In a way, I was just passing through another metropolitan area to see where Mark currently lives.

I have also gained more appreciation for music the past several months. I find myself really "listening" to the lyrics of songs and not just hearing them. I have enjoyed listening to Sarah Bareilles, Lifehouse, The Corrs, Vanessa Carlton, Jim Brickman and countless other artists. There are certain songs that "click" as favorites for whatever reason.

Music also played a role during my trip to Tennessee. Songs on both my trip to Tennessee and my trip back to Ohio reminded me of a dear friend. On the way to Tennessee the song I heard was "Boys of Summer" by Don Henley. The song I heard returning to Ohio was "Can't Fight This Feeling" by REO Speedwagon. These songs are examples of how music has gained new meaning in my life.

My time away allowed me to reflect on many areas of my life. I do not know exactly where the path before me leads. I look forward to the journey though.

The Ripple Effect

I have been reflecting on many things lately. This imagery/concept came to mind when I messaged a friend the other day.

When we look at our lives, do we cause/re-transmit ripples or simply deflect/absorb the energy of the ripples that come our way? I don't believe there should be an intent one way or another. It is more a measure of how we conduct ourselves in our relationships.

Many things can cause ripples. When I refer to ripples, I am referring to how we affect others in our lives. To me, the definition is open-ended. Ripples could be things like the following:

+ openly expressing yourself - talking, writing, singing, etc.
+ selfless actions - supporting those in your life, sacrificing for others, setting a good example for others, etc.


Many of these things involve taking a risk. I think the old adage "nothing ventured...nothing gained" applies. Are we willing to take risks knowing we could positively impact someone in our life? Again, this should not be the focus. Instead, think of whether our action(s) COULD positively impact someone else. I think this could then be one of many factors in our internal decision-making process. It should not be the determining factor though.

I hope we all can find a way to make ripples in our lives. We all have an opportunity to make a profound impact on others. You may never fully comprehend the impact your ripples have on those around you. That is why it is so important to occasionally "roll the dice."

What are you going to do the next time a ripple comes your way?

The Incomplete Roadmap of Life

Some recent discussions with a friend :)(: helped shift the focus I have on my life. I notice the scope of things switching from struggling with recent events to stepping back and reflecting on the "bigger picture." For the first time in years, I truly feel the sky can be the limit. On one hand this is exhilarating. On the other hand it is humbling to realize I did not always believe this to be the case.

When I look back over the course of my life, I realize I spent a great deal of time trying to figure out how/why certain things happened. This can be constructive to a point. It can be detrimental as well. There are certain events in our lives that either cannot be explained/fully understood or are not meant to be fully comprehended.

One of the benchmark moments in my life happened when I was twelve years old. I remember the day I heard my father took his life by way of a drug overdose. For many years I felt I needed to arrive at concrete answers as to how and/or why this happened. This also rocked any faith I had in God. I struggled with questions like "How can a loving God take a child's parent away so early in a child's life?" or "How does a loving God allow someone to suffer to the point they choose death over life?"

My faith journey is just that. It is a journey. Over the years I came to realize that many of my questions will never be answered. It comes down to whether I am able to truly acknowledge that or not. If not, I could spend a lifetime searching for answers that do not exist.

There are other traps we can fall into:

+ dwelling on past choices
+ ruminating about future possibilities

We do not want to discount our past or approach the future haphazardly. Instead, we need to arrive at a balance. If we get too hung up on the past (or the future) we will not be able to experience the present.

I have heard the phrase "when one door closes another one opens." It is a simple statement. It captures the essence of our experiences though. We can either embrace our current and future opportunities or focus our energy on what could have been, wonder why something happened, etc.. I think the same could be said about the relationships in our lives.

Our world has gotten much smaller thanks to the Internet. Do we embrace the opportunities offered by this "smaller world" or limit ourselves to older notions when it comes to the relationships in our lives? If we do not approach things with an open mind we might miss a chance to help others, learn more about ourselves, etc..

I recently had some in-depth conversations with a friend online. Should I discount the impact this person might have on my life simply because we do not live across town from one another? We talked about this. We could both expend time and energy trying to understand how/why our paths crossed. During our conversation we agreed it made more sense to celebrate the fact we were each impacting the other person's life.

I think each person has to find his/her own way. Some approaches that work for me may not work for someone else. There are not necessarily right or wrong choices either. I believe keeping an open mind is the best way to fully realize the possibilities that might present themselves in our lives.

The Mother of All Storms

I am going to step away from the posting of day-to-day accounts from my recent trip to Oregon.

First, I realize some people may not understand what I am going to post. I am at peace with that. There are times in life where seemingly unorthodox things need to be done for one to move forward. I think this post will demonstrate it is possible to have a transcendental moment while sharing a beer with good friends.

Some background information is needed for context. Up until a couple years ago I had a passion for craft beer. I gave that up due to medication I am currently taking. The circumstances of my last beer were not positive. I had not discussed this with with many people but felt driven to perform a "do-over" of my last beer. I privately made a pact with myself that I would do this if I ever made it out to Pelican Brewpub again.


I did something similar to this with a couple friends at Great Lakes Brewing recently. I had a single snifter of Barrel-Aged Blackout Stout. It was important for me to have positive vibes related to my last beer(s.)

Back to Pelican Brewpub...there are several reasons I wanted to do this at Pelican:

+ The brewpub is literally located on the beach. The scenery is awesome.
+ I knew I would be with one of my best friends. As it turns out I was with two of my best friends.


+ Pelican brews some of the best beer I have ever had.
+ The food is also great!

I did not tell my brother or friend about this initially. I originally planned on ordering a Tsunami Stout. I noticed an advertisement on our table that promoted a vertical tasting of Pelican's Barleywine. I caught them off-guard when I ordered the vertical:

The six samples were about the equivalent of a pint. I sipped on these all evening. Four of the samples were four different "vintages" of Pelican's Barleywine. The last two I tried were Pelican's Barleywine aged in Bourbon barrels. They named their barrel-aged beer "Mother of All Storms."

My favorites were the 2005 Stormwatcher's Barleywine and the 2009 Mother of All Storms. They were all well-crafted beers though.

I didn't realize it at the time. Upon further reflection, I realize I had the perfect beer for my last beer - The Mother of All Storms. Thanks to my family and friends I have been able to weather "The Mother of All Storms" the past couple of years.

I will never forget that night. Thanks again to my brother for making it all possible.

The Palette of Our Life

It has been awhile since I posted. Time to remedy that I guess.

Virtually all aspects of my life are in flux. Support from family and friends is helping me keep things moving in the right direction. I struggle with relaying how much the support is truly appreciated.

There are various thoughts that continue to cross my mind.

I have been thinking about all of the people I have encountered during my journey. The same mental (or abstract) imagery keeps surfacing. A blank canvas comes to mind. Our being is represented by general, non-precise pencil markings - an outline of sorts. The painting comes to life throughout our lifetime. There are those in our lives that have a positive impact on us - represented by bright, vibrant colors. There are also those that may have a a negative impact on us - represented by dull, dark or neutral colors.

A painting consisting of all bright (or all dark) colors will appear to be somewhat one dimensional. It would be difficult to appreciate the beauty of the image without the contrast offered by a blend of vibrant and darker colors. I think the same can be said of our lives. We are not able to truly appreciate our successes unless we have confronted and overcome challenges along the way.

Another point to consider is that we will never know which brush stroke(s) truly brings our "painting" to life. Our "painting" is always a work-in-progress. It is continually tweaked as we make our way through life. Some of the people we interact with in life are going to make pronounced brush strokes. Other interactions may result in subtle brush strokes. Trying to identify which interaction is more important would be fruitless though. Each interaction adds to the painting - or who we are as a person.

The last point may be the most important. Our "painting" will have imperfections. That is a foregone conclusion. There may be visible brush stokes, globs of paint, etc. To me, these imperfections do not detract from the painting. Instead, these imperfections make each "painting" unique. Each person's life is unique and the resulting "painting" should be considered a masterpiece in its own right.

There is always hope...

Fair warning - this will probably be a long post.

For some reason certain arbitrary passages of time seem to resonate with us. The span of one year fits in to this category. We recognize "anniversaries" in marriage, in the workplace, etc. Other events can be viewed from this perspective as well.

So much has happened during the past year. A year ago, to the day, a shell of my being was in so much pain that I made an attempt on my life. I struggled for so long I felt I couldn't endure any more pain. Leading up to that point so much energy was expended to maintain a facade that everything was ok. I needed to reach out but found myself withdrawing more and more as time passed.

There was a part of me that swore I would never attempt suicide. I spent most of my life dealing with the aftermath of my Dad taking his life. Unfortunately, the more I struggled, the harder it became to approach things rationally.

No part of me condones suicide. The following will contain reflections of that morning. I am not saying what I experienced that morning was right, wrong or otherwise. I am simply trying to describe aspects of the darkest day of my life.

I struggled with suicidal ideation throughout last summer. Until that day, no actions had been taken. The attempt wasn't something that was planned. Early that morning I probably couldn't have predicted what would transpire that day.

There were extended struggles leading up to that day. It would take too long to explain those, in detail, in a post like this. Around mid-morning I began spiraling downward. I was consumed by despair and was not able to deal with the intense emotions I was experiencing. At some point I gave in and lost the will to live.

There were numerous times I could have called for help or stepped back from the situation. I found that I wasn't able to though. I remember my actions were very deliberate that morning. I gathered a few prescription bottles and a large bottle of ibuprofen. I set all of the bottles out and took the caps off and just stared into the containers. A few minutes passed before I began taking more pills than I could count. I also remember writing a note to my wife.

A strange feeling set in. Once the decision was made I felt at peace. I am not sure how to describe it. I felt as if I was in the eye of a hurricane that had battered me throughout my life. I remember taking at least two handfuls of pills. After that I leaned back in my recliner and covered up with a blanket and just closed my eyes. I didn't expect to ever open my eyes again.

From that point, a period of sixteen hours passed before I could remember anything. I learned, after the fact, that I called my wife after taking the pills. I don't have any re-collection of ever doing that. There is so much more that could be said about what happened that day and shortly after. I am going to move forward though.

It was a challenge to learn how to live again. My family and friends are the reason I was able to make it back. Their support through everything meant the world to me. There were also some special people, from both my inpatient stay and outpatient program I attended, that had a great impact on me. I know how difficult it was to return to a life I once wanted to escape. I have the deepest respect for other survivors that have made the same transition.

One thing I am learning to truly accept is that life is not perfect and never will be. The same can be said about me as a person. In the past I might have viewed personal flaws or weaknesses in a negative light. We are all a blend of strengths and weaknesses. These are the things that make us who we are. An analogy came to mind - at first glance, one may think a steak is of poor quality due to marbling of fat in the cut of meat. Once the steak has been prepared we realize the perceived imperfection (fat) actually adds flavor to the steak.

For anyone that is struggling, please reach out before things progress too far. There are countless resources available to assist with the challenges of life. For those that count me as a friend, please consider me as one of your resources.

We also need to reach out to those in our lives that may be struggling. Depressed individuals tend to isolate themselves from those that matter most. It may be necessary to draw the individual out.

I realize I have been given a second chance. I feel compelled to share what I have gone through in case any part of my story can help someone else.

Please remember - there is always hope. It is up to each of us to believe in that hope even when we are facing the most difficult challenges in our lives.