My "Message in a Bottle"

[At one point I removed this post....I should never have done that.  This belongs to the person it was written for; it does not belong to me]

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My "Message in a Bottle"

I rarely do things like this. I realize the person this is intended for may never see this. That is ok. I still feel there is value in putting some of these thoughts down....

Sunshine,

I hope, one day, you might read these words from my heart. A tear has been shed for every letter of this message.

I have one wish. I wish we had the chance to meet at a different time and place in our lives. I wish the only challenge we had faced was to make our worlds one. Neither of us was ready for what happened...what we shared. Simply put...you captivated my heart from the moment we met.

It saddens me that our last words were not really even "goodbye." There were only intense emotions from both of us. I can only speak for myself...you forever altered me as a person. To this day, you still impact my life in different ways.

I am "me." I have always been "me." I interact with all of the same people in my life. Deep feelings and an impossible scenario were the "x-factors" we shared. I did everything I could to keep you in my life. I tried to "turn off" the love I felt for you. I was never able to do so.

You told me I was not strong enough when I realized I had to let you go. That I should be able to control my emotions. Other times you said to me that love can't be controlled. In truth, I learned, over time, I did not want to control what I was feeling. It was so beautiful and felt so true.

Please know it took all of my strength to let go of someone that came to mean so much to me. I needed to be able to move on with my life though. Your heart belonged to another. I had to honor that.

You exposed me to Paulo Coelho's writings. This is from "By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept" -

"In real life, love has to be possible. Even if it is not returned right away, love can only survive when the hope exists that you will be able to win over the person you desire.

Anything else is fantasy."

Fantasy can only sustain one for so long...

I meant what I said. I would have moved mountains to make you mine. It was not my place to do so though.

There is another quote that was shared with me recently. It is appropriate to share as well -

"If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together... there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart... I'll always be with you." ~ A.A. Milne

I have not forgotten you...I NEVER will.

:)(: Sunshine - Zawsze będziesz miał miejsce w moim sercu :)(:

I hope you find peace and happiness in whatever you do.

I wish...

Living Our Lives....With a Sense of Urgency

A response from a friend triggered some of what I am going to share. I believe we can all identify with the scenario I describe below.

An old friend of mine and I have said we would like to get together some time. We would both like to get a cup of coffee and catch up a bit. A challenge friends some times face is transitioning intent into action. In this example, the challenge we face is to make this meeting actually happen. There are times in life it becomes easy to let good intentions remain just that...good intentions. There is nothing wrong with that. Our lives are fuller when good intentions are fully realized though. As I told this friend earlier, we will make this meeting happen.

Other recent events shaped this piece as well. The Chardon High School shootings have affected entire communities directly and indirectly. In my small corner of the world, I know two sets of parents that had children in school that morning. I cannot begin to understand what each of these friends, and their families, went through that morning...or what they continue to go through. It warms my heart to see how Chardon, and surrounding communities, have rallied to help one another begin the healing process.

Another recent event hit "close to home" quite literally. It was revealed that a very troubled man lived in our condo complex. This man took the life of another before taking his own life. If we stepped outside of the garage we could look at this man's condo. The community mailbox was just a matter of feet from the windows of this man's home. For a day or two it was a challenge to feel safe...even while at home.

Events like these lead me to be quite reflective of late. I find that I ask myself the following questions on a regular basis:

+ Am I making a difference in "my world" and in the lives of those around me?
+ Am I living life with an appropriate sense of urgency?

The answers to these questions are important. I believe these questions are never going to have concrete answers though. I believe re-visiting these question frequently can be just as important as the answers themselves.

There are days I "measure up" so-to-speak. There are other days I may fall short. I do my best to "act" according to where I am with things at that given point in time.

To close, the most important thought darting through my mind is this - none of us is promised tomorrow. Are we truly living our lives with that thought in mind? Are we placing an appropriate sense of urgency in how we live our lives...in how we love those around us? Are we truly grateful for the blessings in our lives? These are not easy questions. I believe a great deal of insight can be gained by reflecting on the answers though.

Suicide Prevention Awareness Month

[written in September 2011]

It is my hope that anyone that counts me as a friend will take a few moments to read this...

September is National Suicide Prevention Awareness month. I do my best to refrain from "soap box speeches." Some topics are too damn important though.

There are a couple statements I can make. I offer absolutely no qualifications or disclaimers when I state these things:

+ EVERY person reading this note can potentially save the life of a loved one. Life-saving is not limited to military, police, fire or medical vocations.

+ EVERY person reading this note has been touched by suicide. Sadly, many reading this have lost multiple family members and/or friends to suicide.

Some of the most intelligent people I know struggle with one mental illness or another - bipolar, moderate to severe depression, mood or personality disorders, etc. A strong mind can be a dual-edged sword. A strong mind can help us achieve great things in life. The same mind can be equally effective at destroying a person from within though.

A harsh reality still exists in our society - a stigma towards those with mental illness. Some of the common sentiments one might hear are:

+ "That person is weak-minded"
+ "So and so needs to just suck it up...get over it"
+ "That person looks fine on the outside..he/she must be doing ok"

The diseases that drive one to attempt suicide are physical. These physical ailments can be amplified by external events. These are facts...not conjecture. There are various regimens one needs to maintain to re-gain control of his/her life - counseling, possible medication, support from loved ones, etc.

Everyone would agree that diabetes is another physical ailment. It also requires a person to do certain things to maintain control of his/her ailment. I wonder how often people approach diabetics and tell them to "just suck it up???"

I thought a recent movie "The Beaver" did an excellent job of portraying the struggles of a man with severe mental illness. It depicts the lengths to which a person was willing to "take things" because of his struggles. I strongly recommend this movie to anyone interested in gaining additional insight into mental illness. Additionally, "A Beautiful Mind" did a wonderful job of depicting a person with paranoid schizophrenia.

Another important message from the movie dealt with the impact of mental illness. Mental illness affects a person's entire social "world" - family, friends, etc. The person is not isolated on an "island." The impact is felt by all and not just the person with mental illness.

The most important thing I want to say is love your loved ones. If you notice someone withdrawing, reach out to them. Let that person know you are there for them. Do not try to "fix" that person or solve all of his/her problems; instead, LISTEN and do your best to empathize with what your loved one is feeling. The other things can be dealt with over time.

Live Music - Reminds Us We Are Alive

[written in September 2011]

I have been to a couple concerts the past month or two. There would be stretches in my life where years would pass between going to hear live music. I need to make sure that does not happen again. Compared with most people, I have been to very few concerts. I believe I have had a chance to see some of the best entertainers to ever take the stage though.

Attending the shows recently reminded me how powerful live music can be. As I think back to the concerts I have attended, there is almost always a single moment/song that stands out for each concert attended. I am going to share some of those moments. These are not listed in any particular order -

+ Paul McCartney - Cleveland Municipal Stadium - Flowers in the Dirt Tour - First, I have never been involved with illicit drugs. The cloud of smoke hanging in the stadium was from "cigarette substitutes." I probably caught a secondary buzz...lol.

The signature moment for me was the entire stadium singing "Hey Jude." It still moves me to think about that.

+ Don Henley - Blossom Music Center - End of the Innocence Tour - The song that comes to mind is "New York Minute." The imagery and cold, bright light used during that song always stood out in my mind.

Another moment was the playing of "Hotel California."

+ Elton John/Billy Joel - Three Rivers Stadium - It was not a particular song for this concert. It was seeing those "piano men" facing one another, dueling on pianos.

+ Genesis - Ohio Stadium - We Can't Dance Tour - I really enjoyed this show. The imagery used for "Drive the Last Spike" always stuck with me though.

+ Foo Fighters - Quicken Loans Arena - Wasting Light Tour - I never had a chance to see Nirvana. It was nice to at least see a member of the group (Dave Grohl) perform with his post-Nirvana group. My favorite part of this show was Dave Grohl playing three songs solo on an acoustic guitar.

+ Sara Bareilles - Cleveland House of Blues - Kaleidoscope Heart Tour - I really enjoyed seeing Sara play to maybe several hundred people at The House of Blues. There really was not a particular moment from this show. I listened to Kaleidoscope Heart countless times during the past year. I identified with several of the songs from that album.

+ Shawn Mullins - LC Pavilion - Soul's Core Tour - Shawn actually opened for Hootie and the Blowfish. I enjoyed his act more than the main act. He plays folk-style ballads that kind of lull one into self-reflection.

The memorable song from his set was "Lullaby."

Everything I Needed to Learn About Life...

...I learned from the Tour de Donut (or any "distance" bike ride)

First, many of my biking pictures have me wearing the same looking orange mesh shirt. This is not my lucky shirt or anything. I have three of these shirts. They were left over from a recent golf outing.

A number of things came to mind during my ride. While these things related to today's race, they can also relate to life. One of the things I thought about were goals. I initially thought it would be interesting to try and eat a dozen donuts (total) during the ride. I realized this was not realistic after eating my first donut. I adjusted my goal to four donuts. I ended up eating three.

Goals, in life, are important. We should "shoot for the stars." We need to accept we may need to adjust our goals to something more "attainable" though. It is great to hold ourselves to high standards. We should not label unsuccessful attempts as failures. Instead these attempts should be viewed as learning experiences.

Another thing I thought about dealt with pacing myself during the ride. The bike ride was a race. I simply wanted to focus on doing my best though. I did not pay attention to how many riders passed me or how many people I passed. That is not where my focus was. I focused on finding a pedaling rhythm that felt comfortable. I was alone for much of the ride. In some ways that was very peaceful...almost transcendental.

I believe in the same approach to life. It is important for each person to find his/her own unique rhythm. In essence, we need to "march to our own drummer." It is easy to focus on what others are doing or on what others think we should or should not do. Placing too much emphasis on these things can cause us to lose track of who we are as individuals though.

Another thing was striking about the race. Many age ranges, body types and ethnicities were represented. There were competitive riders, novice riders and everything in-between. Some of the bikes may have only cost $100.00; I am sure
there were numerous bikes that cost $5,000+. We all completed the same course though. In that respect, anyone that completed the course was an equal.

The Long and Winding Road

This piece is inspired by my recent trip to Tennessee. The proper mood has been set as I start writing this. I am drinking coffee from a Great Smoky Mountains Railroad mug. The coffee is flavored with Blackberry/Ginger sugar crystals purchased in Kentucky.

Different aspects of my trip to Tennessee reminded me of the path my life has taken since last Fall. In some instances, there are parallels. In other respects, there are differences between the two.

My journey began on a cool, gray morning. There was a slight drizzle in NE Ohio. As I traveled south, the sky started to brighten. The clouds were no longer gray. Eventually, blue skies appeared. White, billowy clouds dotted the sky. The temperature improved more than 30 degrees during the course of my trip.

The transition of weather during my trip reminded me of the past several months of my life. I gave up my former life for a chance at a more fulfilling life. Thunder, lightning and basketball-sized hail aptly describe the "weather" I faced initially. Over time, the clouds have been lifting. The hail has subsided. There is still rain at times. Rays of sunshine peaking through the clouds produce occasional rainbows. I know things will continue to head in a positive direction.

I am grateful for the chance I had to spend an extended period of time in Tennessee with my brother. I am also grateful for his hospitality. I thought of this time as a "personal sabbatical." I did not know what I expected from my time away. I think that revealed itself over time. I felt my soul had a chance to "breathe." I am not sure how else to describe it. I spent quality time with my brother, tried new things (I already wrote a short piece about "firsts") and enjoyed whatever direction we took in terms of exploring the area.

I am working to maintain the same outlook in my life. I do not know what the future holds for me. I look forward to finding out though. I remind myself that the journey is every bit as important as the destination. The little things in life have always held special meaning for me. That has been even more pronounced the past several months. I cannot adequately describe how much seeing mountain waterfalls, running the "Tail of the Dragon", enjoying the vistas from the mountains, etc. has meant to me.

Another thing struck me as I made my journey to Tennessee. I passed within a couple hundred yards of where my brother used to live and only a matter of miles from our condominium. The Columbus area was home to both of us for some time. For years, Central Ohio has been a "focal point" of sorts for our family. Mark and I both still have good friends in the Columbus area. The city is no longer a focus of our family though. In a way, I was just passing through another metropolitan area to see where Mark currently lives.

I have also gained more appreciation for music the past several months. I find myself really "listening" to the lyrics of songs and not just hearing them. I have enjoyed listening to Sarah Bareilles, Lifehouse, The Corrs, Vanessa Carlton, Jim Brickman and countless other artists. There are certain songs that "click" as favorites for whatever reason.

Music also played a role during my trip to Tennessee. Songs on both my trip to Tennessee and my trip back to Ohio reminded me of a dear friend. On the way to Tennessee the song I heard was "Boys of Summer" by Don Henley. The song I heard returning to Ohio was "Can't Fight This Feeling" by REO Speedwagon. These songs are examples of how music has gained new meaning in my life.

My time away allowed me to reflect on many areas of my life. I do not know exactly where the path before me leads. I look forward to the journey though.

"Firsts" - The Spice of Life

During my recent trip to Tennessee, North Carolina, etc. (May 2011) I found myself experiencing a number of "firsts." Some of the "firsts" listed below are serious in nature. Some of them are humorous. They all carry varying degrees of meaning though.

Here are some of the "firsts" from my trip. They are not listed in any particular order:

+ I took my first tram ride (Ober Gatlinburg.)
+ I turned 40 for the first time (guess it will be a "last" as well...lol.)
+ I ate my first antelope steak (it did not taste like chicken) It was tasty...reminded me of a cross between venison and pork.
+ I tried some exotic animal jerkies for the first time (I wrote another note about that.)
+ I experienced my first noteworthy mountain waterfalls (Bald River Falls and Mingo Falls.)
+ I went on my first train ride (Great Smoky Mountains Railroad.)
+ For the first time, I sat inside/on vehicles that were used in a movie or TV series (One of the General Lees from "Dukes of Hazzard" and the Trans Am from "Smokey and the Bandit."
+ I ate cheesy grits for the first time.
+ I watched my first episode of "Squidbillies." (I find myself saying the phrase "pinecone party liquor" from time-to-time.)
+ For the first time, I bought a new Blu-ray DVD "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part I" not knowing when I will actually view it for the first time (there is a back-story related to this one.)
+ I witnessed moonshine being made for the first time.
+ I tried a different preparation of veal for the first time. I usually order Veal Parmigiana or Veal Marsala. I tried Veal Limone. I really enjoyed it.
+ I went for multiple rides on a stretch of road (The Tail of the Dragon - 300+ curves over an 11 mile route) that blew my mind.

I spent some time time thinking about these "firsts."

Being deliberate in experiencing "firsts" helps keep life interesting. It is easy to stick with what we know and are familiar with. We may miss out on other things in life if we never deviate from our comfort zones though.

There can be risk involved with experiencing "firsts" As Chaucer once said, "You can't get anywhere unless you're willing to take a risk." There are times taking risks is easier said than done. Generally speaking, rewards seem to outweigh risks though.

I will always be a work-in-progress when it comes to experiencing "firsts." I hope to continue improving in this area
though.

When is the last time you experienced a "first?"

Updates

I am going to post some more of my writings shortly...