To my fellow Cleveland sports fans...this wall's for you!

I haven't posted lately. Things have been busy with the Holidays and what not. We also moved into a condo a couple of months ago. That is a lead-in to the rest of this post.

I was given the "nod" to do some decorating in our office. I decided to take full advantage of the opportunity.

I have been a fan of Cleveland sports teams the past few decades. Through the years I have also collected sports cards and memorabilia. I set aside cards from the Indians, Browns and Cavs. I would tell myself I was going to do something with them...well...I finally did something with them. This is dedicated to all of the Cleveland sports out there.

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Do you know recognize who Beau Allred, Lloyd (World) B. Free or Chip Banks are?

Does the mention of Jerry Dybzinski, Tree Rollins or Hanford Dixon bring back any memories?

How about Len Barker, John Bagley or Don Cockroft...anything???

What about "Gentle" Ben Poquette, Joe Charboneau or Brian Sipe?

If you recognize even half of these names...well...please accept my apologies...you are a Cleveland sports fan.

Are there any Michael Jordan cards on the wall? No. How about Dan Marino? He isn't on the wall either. Derek Jeter...ummm...no.

You might wonder "Who made the cut to be included on the wall?" The requirements were simple...the players were in a Cleveland jersey OR the card contained a logo from one of the Cleveland sports teams. Most of the 1,000 plus cards are Indians players. There are some Brown and Cavs mixed in as well. There are original cards from the 1970s and on. There are also reprints of cards for some of the "Old School" Tribe.

The first picture captures the "mosaic" look of the wall:


There are some close-ups of random sections below. The following pictures may take a moment to load after clicking on them -

All together now..."There is always next season."

There is always hope...

Fair warning - this will probably be a long post.

For some reason certain arbitrary passages of time seem to resonate with us. The span of one year fits in to this category. We recognize "anniversaries" in marriage, in the workplace, etc. Other events can be viewed from this perspective as well.

So much has happened during the past year. A year ago, to the day, a shell of my being was in so much pain that I made an attempt on my life. I struggled for so long I felt I couldn't endure any more pain. Leading up to that point so much energy was expended to maintain a facade that everything was ok. I needed to reach out but found myself withdrawing more and more as time passed.

There was a part of me that swore I would never attempt suicide. I spent most of my life dealing with the aftermath of my Dad taking his life. Unfortunately, the more I struggled, the harder it became to approach things rationally.

No part of me condones suicide. The following will contain reflections of that morning. I am not saying what I experienced that morning was right, wrong or otherwise. I am simply trying to describe aspects of the darkest day of my life.

I struggled with suicidal ideation throughout last summer. Until that day, no actions had been taken. The attempt wasn't something that was planned. Early that morning I probably couldn't have predicted what would transpire that day.

There were extended struggles leading up to that day. It would take too long to explain those, in detail, in a post like this. Around mid-morning I began spiraling downward. I was consumed by despair and was not able to deal with the intense emotions I was experiencing. At some point I gave in and lost the will to live.

There were numerous times I could have called for help or stepped back from the situation. I found that I wasn't able to though. I remember my actions were very deliberate that morning. I gathered a few prescription bottles and a large bottle of ibuprofen. I set all of the bottles out and took the caps off and just stared into the containers. A few minutes passed before I began taking more pills than I could count. I also remember writing a note to my wife.

A strange feeling set in. Once the decision was made I felt at peace. I am not sure how to describe it. I felt as if I was in the eye of a hurricane that had battered me throughout my life. I remember taking at least two handfuls of pills. After that I leaned back in my recliner and covered up with a blanket and just closed my eyes. I didn't expect to ever open my eyes again.

From that point, a period of sixteen hours passed before I could remember anything. I learned, after the fact, that I called my wife after taking the pills. I don't have any re-collection of ever doing that. There is so much more that could be said about what happened that day and shortly after. I am going to move forward though.

It was a challenge to learn how to live again. My family and friends are the reason I was able to make it back. Their support through everything meant the world to me. There were also some special people, from both my inpatient stay and outpatient program I attended, that had a great impact on me. I know how difficult it was to return to a life I once wanted to escape. I have the deepest respect for other survivors that have made the same transition.

One thing I am learning to truly accept is that life is not perfect and never will be. The same can be said about me as a person. In the past I might have viewed personal flaws or weaknesses in a negative light. We are all a blend of strengths and weaknesses. These are the things that make us who we are. An analogy came to mind - at first glance, one may think a steak is of poor quality due to marbling of fat in the cut of meat. Once the steak has been prepared we realize the perceived imperfection (fat) actually adds flavor to the steak.

For anyone that is struggling, please reach out before things progress too far. There are countless resources available to assist with the challenges of life. For those that count me as a friend, please consider me as one of your resources.

We also need to reach out to those in our lives that may be struggling. Depressed individuals tend to isolate themselves from those that matter most. It may be necessary to draw the individual out.

I realize I have been given a second chance. I feel compelled to share what I have gone through in case any part of my story can help someone else.

Please remember - there is always hope. It is up to each of us to believe in that hope even when we are facing the most difficult challenges in our lives.

Who we were...who we are...who we will become

First, this is dedicated to Painesville Riverside's Class of 1989. Last weekend reminded me how special all of you are. I wish nothing but the best to all of you. I look forward to when we can all do this again!

I don't really know what direction this is going to take. I guess that could be said of anything in life. The context of this post involves my reflecting on the past. The catalyst for many of these thoughts was our 20th High School Class Reunion which took place last weekend. The months leading up to the Reunion, and the Reunion itself, were full of enlightening moments about myself and those I have had the pleasure of knowing over the years.

One of the first things that came to mind was the quality of the individuals I got to know in junior and senior high. For lack of a better way to describe this - there was an abundance of "good" people in our class. Over time I have been able to appreciate this fact even more.

We had a decent sized class of around 300 people. During our years in school, that was our world. It did not seem like we would ever be exposed to a larger community than that. Until that point in our lives, we were all part of each other's "story." That changed after graduation [cue Don Henley's End of the Innocence.] Some of us went to college right after high school, others took a slightly different route before going to college, some started families, some joined a branch of the Armed Forces, etc. Each of our paths lead to the creation of our own unique story.

As each year passed, we started to lose contact with one another. Some of us remained in contact with certain classmates longer than we did with others. Our focus turned towards our lives, our families and our futures. Even though we may have lost contact with one another, it didn't mean we cared any less about each other or didn't still have an impact on one another. There were countless times through the years where I would think about this classmate or that classmate. I would wonder how they were doing, what they were up to and hope that life was treating them well. Occasionally, we would get a chance to re-connect with classmates here and there. It was always such a great thing to hear how someone's story was evolving.

A couple of years ago, I tried to look up a classmate of ours on the 'Net. I thought I might be able to find an e-mail address to send this person a message. Instead of finding contact information, I found an obituary for someone that shared the same name I was searching for. I read the obituary over and realized this wasn't a person sharing the same name as our classmate but was our classmate. I knew the names of Derek's family and was in disbelief once I saw the names of his parents.

Once we started to re-connect for the Reunion, we realized we had lost a number of classmates over the past several years. In my opinion, our Reunion Planning Committee did their memories justice. The moment of silence for each of our classmates was profound. The murmurs of discussions that were heard during other announcements were no longer audible. The slides for each classmate were simple in design. Each slide consisted of a classmate's name and a picture from when they walked the halls of Riverside. This was a time where less was definitely more.

I remember poking around on Facebook last Fall and finding the Class Reunion group. There were only a handful of classmates in the group at that time. It was so nice to touch base with those that were there. By the time of our Reunion, the group had grown to almost 100 classmates. The group helped serve as an ice-breaker well before the actual Reunion took place.

I enjoyed exchanging messages with classmates I already knew. I also felt blessed to get an opportunity to get to know other classmates. By the end of some of the exchanges, promises of hugs (at the Reunion) were made to one another. As far as I know, I kept up my end of things in those scenarios.

I never expected the turnout we had at the mixer at Capp's on Friday night. If ever I experienced sensory overload, it was that night and Saturday night. There were so many people I wanted to talk to yet so little time. There were classmates I wanted to talk to Friday night but never got around to it. I talked to many of them on Saturday instead.

To me, Saturday was like Reunion 2.0. There were many classmates in attendance Saturday night that were not at Capp's on Friday. It was so special getting to hang out with so many of our classmates. Digital cameras have allowed all us to share in different perspectives of the events that weekend. Ten years ago it wouldn't have been as easy to pull that off.

Getting to hang out with Roberto and his wife that weekend was special to me on several levels. Roberto lived with my family for about six months our Senior year. If that wasn't enough, we both went to Edinboro University for almost four more years. It was great to meet his wife and re-connect with him.

I've rambled long enough. If I had to summarize my feelings about the Reunion, it would be something along these lines:

I appreciated the classmates who were there, missed the classmates that weren't able to attend and felt sorrow for our classmates who are no longer with us.

Thanks again to the Reunion Planning Committee for making the Reunion weekend possible.

20 Year High School Reunion - captured in a poem

This past weekend I attended my 20 year high school reunion. It was a great experience. I may try to post about it another time.

Last month, a classmate of mine wrote a poem about our upcoming reunion. I asked her if I could share it in a blog post. She was ok with me doing so.

I thought she did a great job of capturing the sentiments many of us felt leading up to our reunion. Here was what she wrote:

We were all in different places
All at the same time
Though pursuing various outcomes
We all had one in mind
Never realized 'til we were older
How similar we all were
Growing up in different phases
s o m e s l o w e r
---some a blur---
"Halls of Ivy", parties, classes left and right
Crossing paths, exchanging glances
Forming friendships- sometimes fights
We grew together...
We grew apart...
In many ways each of us affected many hearts
Sadly, we have lost some classmates along the way
So we'll bring memories of them with us on Reunion Day
For those of us still on this earth -
People are anxiously waiting to see you
And know you're doing fine
After all, it is EACH ONE that makes up the whole
CLASS OF '89

C.J.N.

Thanks again for sharing this with all of us Callico.

Another Indians team dismantled

Cleveland sports fans were once again put through the wringer over the past weeks (and years for that matter.) An Indians team that once demonstrated such great promise has been systematically dismantled at the direction of team ownership. This is becoming a recurring event with team ownership.

Over the past year, the Indians have been able to add depth to their Farm System. LaPorta and Brantley were key parts of the C.C. deal last summer. The emphasis this season has been on acquiring young arms. That depth has been at the expense of fielding a competitive team in the Majors, for the near term, though. So many solid players have been "re-located" since this time last season:

+ C.C. Sabathia
+ Rafael Betancourt
+ Mark DeRosa
+ Ryan Garko
+ Cliff Lee
+ Ben Francisco
+ Victor Martinez

The thing that makes these deals tough on all involved is that many of the players involved came up through the Indian's Farm System. Cleveland isn't the only sports city that experiences this. One would think ownership would make an effort to try and keep a core together as long as possible though.

It is easy to want to lash out at Mark Shapiro. Shapiro has done a great deal for the Indians though. A good example is the great value resulting from the Colon deal. Some of that benefit was traded away in the form of Cliff Lee, just as he has came in to his own. Tribe fans can only hope that the talent received in the various trades pans out.

There has been one tactic put forth by the Front Office that simply failed to hit its mark in my opinion. Shapiro spoke with the STO team during last night's game against Detroit. He insisted this isn't a period of re-building for the team. My only question is...if this isn't a period of rebuilding, how should it be characterized then?

The Front Office of the Indians is put in a difficult spot by team ownership. Many of the deals have been pro-active out of necessity. Like in the case of C.C., the Front Office staff knew they weren't going to be able to sign C.C. for the long haul. Instead of losing him outright, the team got as much for him as they could. The same could be said in the case of Lee and Martinez. It was disappointing that certain key players weren't required as part of the Lee (Happ or Drabek) and Martinez (Buchholz) deals though.

It looks like Indians fans will have to continue rooting for the Chief Wahoo logo that has come to mean so much to so many. As soon as fans embrace a player or "team," thing are just turned upside down again. Current ownership doesn't seem willing to commit to a championship-caliber team. This continued approach will leave ownership with plenty of empty seats. As for fans, they get to enjoy another sub-par team. Ownership knows they have gotten accustomed to it.

Tribe Home Opener - 2009 Edition

This will have to fall under the category of "Better Late Than Never."

The Cleveland Indians Home Opener was on April 10th this year. Each year, friends come together from near and far to frequent a couple Cleveland institutions - Great Lakes Brewing Company and Jacobs Field (it will always be Jacobs Field to me.)

Once again, Mother Nature intervened to make things interesting. Not even the "Lucky Poncho" could hold back the rain this year. A side note - one of the crew has a poncho that is still in its original packaging. To be honest, the chemical composition of this thing has probably changed over time. In the past, the presence of the poncho was able to ward off rain. It didn't work this time around.

The day began at Great Lakes Brewing Company. A total of 12 of us spent a few hours there before game time. There were a couple of us that didn't drink. After some great appetizers, food and copious amounts of fermented water, the total (with tip) came to about $500...nice. I don't remember all of the specifics but recall six pitchers of Burning River Pale Ale (known as BuRPA by some), a couple pitchers of Edmund Fitzgerald Porter, close to a dozen snifters of Blackout Stout, etc.

So...it was time to catch the Great Lakes Brewing shuttle over to the Jake. The shuttle is called the "Fatty Wagon" because it is powered by vegetable oil. For $1, the shuttle will take you to the Jake and bring you back. Unfortunately, the Fatty Wagon didn't appear to be in service that day. Instead, a boring, extended-length van was used.

Here was a little banter while waiting for the van:

The substitute transportation didn't offer the same capacity as the Fatty Wagon. For that reason, the line for the shuttle was longer than normal. Never fear, where there's a Miglin there's a way. Most TV commercials for mini-vans boast seating capacities of 5 - 6 - 7 people. Not this mini-van - 12 adults made the short journey to the Jake (insert your best sardine cliche here.) The videos don't do this justice:

Once we arrived near the Jake, we climbed out of the mini-van. It had to look like numerous circus clowns getting out of a small car. A small group walking by took note of the number of people. They were impressed when we told them 12 of us were in there.

We made our way to our seats and settled in amidst shaky weather. One thing of note - a couple members of our crew fell asleep during the game. I won't mention any names but wonder if some sanctions should be levied against the culprits?

The game entered a delay in the fifth inning. We stayed up until that point. The weather wasn't looking very promising so we headed on to Painesville to visit family.

Needless to say - a few pints of Edmund Fitzgerald Porter Chocolate Chunk Ice Cream were re-located to Dublin.

The Indians would end up losing 13-7 after 7+ hours (including the delay.)

It was great seeing the gang again. I look forward to doing it all again next year.

I Am A Fan...

I am a fan of buying an over-priced hot dog to serve as a delivery mechanism for Stadium Mustard.

I have become a fan of getting together with the crew each year for Opening Day at the Jake.


I was a fan of heading to Municipal Stadium during some afternoons my Senior year of high school and walking up to the gate and getting seats behind the dugout.

I am a fan of watching towering fly balls and wondering whether they will carry over the outfield fence.

I am a fan of plays like seeing a ball bounce off Jose Canseco's head over the fence for a homer.


I am a fan of players that do the little things well.

I am a fan of players, managers and base coaches that have the brass to attempt to steal home.

I am not a fan of the Evil Empire (or other teams that outspend a strong majority of the league each year.)

I am a huge fan of seeing the Evil Empire sitting at home when the playoffs roll around (or better yet - being beat by a small market team in the opening round of the playoffs.)

I was a fan of the Buffalo Bisons but am now a fan of the Columbus Clippers.


I am a fan of players that play the game straight-up.

I am not a fan of players that felt it was necessary to cheat the game, the fans and themselves.

I am even less of a fan of those who lie about the fact they cheated.

I am a fan of the name of a former player - Razor Shines.

I am a fan of the game of baseball.

Fifteen Albums

Another carryover from FB - these are in no particular order...

"Think of 15 albums that had such a profound effect on you they changed your life or the way you looked at it. They sucked you in and took you over for days, weeks, months, years. These are the albums that you can use to identify time, places, people, emotions. These are the albums that no matter what they were thought of musically shaped your world."

+ Toad the Wet Sprocket - Fear

+ Genesis - Genesis

+ Shawn Mullins - Soul's Core

+ Eagles - Hotel California

+ R.E.M. - Automatic for the People

+ Dire Straits - Brothers in Arms

+ Don Henley - Building the Perfect Beast

+ U2 - The Joshua Tree

+ AC/DC - Back in Black

+ Eric Clapton - Unplugged

+ Tom Petty - Full Moon Fever

+ Sarah McLachlan - Mirrorball

+ Billy Joel - Piano Man

+ Pink Floyd - A Momentary Lapse of Reason

+ Crowded House - Crowded House

Some random things....

I spent a little time putting this list together for FB. I figured I would post it here as well:

Some random things

+ Canada is the only other country I have visited.

+ I never saw the Pacific Ocean [in person] until 2004.

+ I have been and will always be a fan of Cleveland Sports Teams. Ok....the Cavs have never won a title, the Browns haven't won a title since '64 and the Tribe hasn't won it all since '48. I don't know what I would do if one wins a title.

+ I got a chance to meet George H.Bush and Jack Nicklaus a few years ago at Muirfield Country Club in Dublin, OH.

+ In 1994, I dislocated my left kneecap after diving to dig a volleyball and got to ride across Painesville with it still dislocated. Every bump the squad hit was like a screwdriver to the knee.

+ I still know that the German word for "figure of a dwarf in the garden" is Gartenzwerg and that Schnabeltier is German for duck-billed platypus.

+ Though I currently abstain from drinking any alcohol, I have had hundreds of beers from around the world. I have even helped brew some.

+ There are times I can't get the "Crab People" song from South Park out of my head.....look like crabs....talk like people...

+ I have no idea why - Murray Head's "One Night in Bangkok" is one of my all time favorite songs.

+ I love cheesecake, nut roll, lobster bisque, dark chocolate, and German chocolate cake.

+ I actually know what the four Houses are at the Hogwarts School of Magic and know it is possible for a team to lose at Quidditch even if their seeker captures the Golden Snitch.

+ I think way too many movies are made in to trilogies. In many cases, the first movie should have never been made (let alone a sequel and a prequel.)

+ I believe everyone you meet in life leaves a lasting imprint on you [no matter how long you know them.]

+ The mascots from the two colleges I attended are "The Fighting Scots" [Undergrad] and "The Zips" [Grad].

+ I am trying to learn how to appreciate the forest instead of staring at the same damn tree.

+ I don't get to many concerts but I have seen Genesis, Don Henley, Paul McCartney, Billy Joel and Elton John live at one time or another. I actually remember seeing Sha-Na-Na as well [the things we remember.]

+ I have not always gone by my birth name Maruschak - for a number of years I went by an adopted last name - Nighman.

+ Our family recipe for nut roll is the best out there. It is good to have Hungarian bloodlines.

+ John Grisham is one of my favorite authors.

+ I attended my first Ohio State-Michigan game during November 2008(seats were on the 50!)

+ I once caught a 31" Walleye.

+ Great Lakes Brewing Co. is one of my favorite places to eat.

It has been awhile...

I haven't posted for awhile. I figured I would get one out there.

Right now, I am watching a movie [Cold Prey] that is in one of the Scandinavian languages with English sub-titles. We'll see if it was worth renting or not.

As for other things, I have felt like @#$%^ this week. I finally went in to see the doctor today and now have some meds to help with the bronchial stuff going on. Hopefully things will improve over the weekend.

Last weekend, Julie and I got to catch a Buckeye Hoops game. We had seats 5 or 6 rows from the floor...it was pretty cool. The Buckeyes held on for the win against Minnesota.

I'm looking forward to April rolling around. The Indians and Clippers will be starting new seasons. That being said...baseball is a mess right now. I still enjoy the game and truly appreciate the players that have played the game straight-up through the years. It is a shame that the biggest names in the game have forever marred their legacies and the game itself.