This piece is dedicated to three very special people I met while in the inpatient ward at a hospital in the region. They helped me get through some of the darkest days (after my suicide attempt) of my life.
If any part of this helps someone out there, it will have made sharing it worthwhile.
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Glimmering Stars in the Darkness of Night
Four strangers have found themselves enveloped in the pitch-black blanket of hopelessness and despair. It no longer seemed possible for light to penetrate this mantle void of anything but negativity. We all wonder…How did it ever come to this? What happened to the smiles and laughter we used to enjoy? Is this silhouette of our former selves the best we can hope for?
Though it may have happened at slightly different times, we all approached the edge of a precipice for a bottomless abyss. All of our lives, we had a safety net that would catch us if we got too close to the edge. Although our paths were different, we all arrived at the same decision. We decided that our only option was to plunge into the unknown depths…we wanted our intolerable pain to end once and for all.
Failure has always carried negative consequences for us. By twists of fate (or by destiny), a shared failure allowed us all to return to what was once the world we wanted to escape. Are we supposed to be back here? What do we do now?
We have all fought to be alive today. Our journeys have now taken us to a place that is abstract and incomprehensible. Two of us have been here before. Neither of us dreamed we would enter those white double doors again. As each of us entered this place, a sense of “What the hell are we doing here?” swept over us. How will I get help here? Who are these people?
We were all shrouded in the residual despair from what we have experienced. As we sat down in the Main Room for the first time, we spent time looking at our feet and huddling our arms and legs close to our bodies. We all felt broken.
I remember meeting the owner of a local art gallery for the first time. He was recently forced to make a difficult career decision while in this place. Another memory exists of seeing a young soccer player (from a small college in the region) for the first time. Her feet nervously tapped on the floor. Other images of a driven Pharmacy student, huddled in a chair, came to mind as well. She is shaking from a combination of the cool temperature in the room and the difficulties she has been facing. I don’t yet know who these people are. What in the world could have driven them to this place?
Over time, we drew together as a group. The looks of depression, anxiety and despair were slowly replaced by grins. Next, white teeth could be seen in smiles. At times, laughter would displace conversation. How is this possible? We are all still hurting so much.
We quickly realize we have shared experiences. All of us start to let our guards down. A shared empathy exists between all of us. Amidst the laughter, we share and listen to one another. As each of them share pieces of their journey, my heart goes out to them. I wish I could have taken their pain away.
As we gather time after time, I realize what a blessing each of these people is. I shudder to think our table of four could have been surrounded by empty chairs instead of the people that are seated in them. Some larger plan has brought us together. The fabric of our lives has been altered by one another.
We are starting to move forward with our lives. One of us will be starting a new chapter in his life tomorrow. The rest of us will follow him soon.
We all have obstacles to conquer. It may not be easy at times. It is my hope that these three kindred spirits know that I will always be pulling for them.
The dark skies now contain points of light that are burning brightly. Some of these are family members and some are friends. There are also important resources that now shine where only darkness existed.
Tears have fallen, at times, as this has been written. So many tears have fallen lately. These tears are different though. Thankfulness drives these tears. Three new glimmering stars have appeared, along with the other points of light, where only darkness could be seen before.
C.M.
Four strangers have found themselves enveloped in the pitch-black blanket of hopelessness and despair. It no longer seemed possible for light to penetrate this mantle void of anything but negativity. We all wonder…How did it ever come to this? What happened to the smiles and laughter we used to enjoy? Is this silhouette of our former selves the best we can hope for?
Though it may have happened at slightly different times, we all approached the edge of a precipice for a bottomless abyss. All of our lives, we had a safety net that would catch us if we got too close to the edge. Although our paths were different, we all arrived at the same decision. We decided that our only option was to plunge into the unknown depths…we wanted our intolerable pain to end once and for all.
Failure has always carried negative consequences for us. By twists of fate (or by destiny), a shared failure allowed us all to return to what was once the world we wanted to escape. Are we supposed to be back here? What do we do now?
We have all fought to be alive today. Our journeys have now taken us to a place that is abstract and incomprehensible. Two of us have been here before. Neither of us dreamed we would enter those white double doors again. As each of us entered this place, a sense of “What the hell are we doing here?” swept over us. How will I get help here? Who are these people?
We were all shrouded in the residual despair from what we have experienced. As we sat down in the Main Room for the first time, we spent time looking at our feet and huddling our arms and legs close to our bodies. We all felt broken.
I remember meeting the owner of a local art gallery for the first time. He was recently forced to make a difficult career decision while in this place. Another memory exists of seeing a young soccer player (from a small college in the region) for the first time. Her feet nervously tapped on the floor. Other images of a driven Pharmacy student, huddled in a chair, came to mind as well. She is shaking from a combination of the cool temperature in the room and the difficulties she has been facing. I don’t yet know who these people are. What in the world could have driven them to this place?
Over time, we drew together as a group. The looks of depression, anxiety and despair were slowly replaced by grins. Next, white teeth could be seen in smiles. At times, laughter would displace conversation. How is this possible? We are all still hurting so much.
We quickly realize we have shared experiences. All of us start to let our guards down. A shared empathy exists between all of us. Amidst the laughter, we share and listen to one another. As each of them share pieces of their journey, my heart goes out to them. I wish I could have taken their pain away.
As we gather time after time, I realize what a blessing each of these people is. I shudder to think our table of four could have been surrounded by empty chairs instead of the people that are seated in them. Some larger plan has brought us together. The fabric of our lives has been altered by one another.
We are starting to move forward with our lives. One of us will be starting a new chapter in his life tomorrow. The rest of us will follow him soon.
We all have obstacles to conquer. It may not be easy at times. It is my hope that these three kindred spirits know that I will always be pulling for them.
The dark skies now contain points of light that are burning brightly. Some of these are family members and some are friends. There are also important resources that now shine where only darkness existed.
Tears have fallen, at times, as this has been written. So many tears have fallen lately. These tears are different though. Thankfulness drives these tears. Three new glimmering stars have appeared, along with the other points of light, where only darkness could be seen before.
C.M.
3 comments:
I think that's great you're doing this. Writing can be catharsis. Writing can be healing. Writing can open eyes and turn on light bulbs.
Here's to your new beginning nothing but an absolutely stunning success!
-The Other Chris
Thanks a bunch for your support Other Chris!
I'm proud of you Chris for all you are doing to heal yourself.
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