There is always hope...

Fair warning - this will probably be a long post.

For some reason certain arbitrary passages of time seem to resonate with us. The span of one year fits in to this category. We recognize "anniversaries" in marriage, in the workplace, etc. Other events can be viewed from this perspective as well.

So much has happened during the past year. A year ago, to the day, a shell of my being was in so much pain that I made an attempt on my life. I struggled for so long I felt I couldn't endure any more pain. Leading up to that point so much energy was expended to maintain a facade that everything was ok. I needed to reach out but found myself withdrawing more and more as time passed.

There was a part of me that swore I would never attempt suicide. I spent most of my life dealing with the aftermath of my Dad taking his life. Unfortunately, the more I struggled, the harder it became to approach things rationally.

No part of me condones suicide. The following will contain reflections of that morning. I am not saying what I experienced that morning was right, wrong or otherwise. I am simply trying to describe aspects of the darkest day of my life.

I struggled with suicidal ideation throughout last summer. Until that day, no actions had been taken. The attempt wasn't something that was planned. Early that morning I probably couldn't have predicted what would transpire that day.

There were extended struggles leading up to that day. It would take too long to explain those, in detail, in a post like this. Around mid-morning I began spiraling downward. I was consumed by despair and was not able to deal with the intense emotions I was experiencing. At some point I gave in and lost the will to live.

There were numerous times I could have called for help or stepped back from the situation. I found that I wasn't able to though. I remember my actions were very deliberate that morning. I gathered a few prescription bottles and a large bottle of ibuprofen. I set all of the bottles out and took the caps off and just stared into the containers. A few minutes passed before I began taking more pills than I could count. I also remember writing a note to my wife.

A strange feeling set in. Once the decision was made I felt at peace. I am not sure how to describe it. I felt as if I was in the eye of a hurricane that had battered me throughout my life. I remember taking at least two handfuls of pills. After that I leaned back in my recliner and covered up with a blanket and just closed my eyes. I didn't expect to ever open my eyes again.

From that point, a period of sixteen hours passed before I could remember anything. I learned, after the fact, that I called my wife after taking the pills. I don't have any re-collection of ever doing that. There is so much more that could be said about what happened that day and shortly after. I am going to move forward though.

It was a challenge to learn how to live again. My family and friends are the reason I was able to make it back. Their support through everything meant the world to me. There were also some special people, from both my inpatient stay and outpatient program I attended, that had a great impact on me. I know how difficult it was to return to a life I once wanted to escape. I have the deepest respect for other survivors that have made the same transition.

One thing I am learning to truly accept is that life is not perfect and never will be. The same can be said about me as a person. In the past I might have viewed personal flaws or weaknesses in a negative light. We are all a blend of strengths and weaknesses. These are the things that make us who we are. An analogy came to mind - at first glance, one may think a steak is of poor quality due to marbling of fat in the cut of meat. Once the steak has been prepared we realize the perceived imperfection (fat) actually adds flavor to the steak.

For anyone that is struggling, please reach out before things progress too far. There are countless resources available to assist with the challenges of life. For those that count me as a friend, please consider me as one of your resources.

We also need to reach out to those in our lives that may be struggling. Depressed individuals tend to isolate themselves from those that matter most. It may be necessary to draw the individual out.

I realize I have been given a second chance. I feel compelled to share what I have gone through in case any part of my story can help someone else.

Please remember - there is always hope. It is up to each of us to believe in that hope even when we are facing the most difficult challenges in our lives.